Wily's Warriors - Episode 1 - Everything Old Is New Again
Written by Starnik

Narrator: We open our scene on a sunny mid-morning, light arcing itself into the room of Starnik, better known as Quick Man of the Robot Master Team, “Wily’s Warriors”…

Starnik: (Yaaawn) …(blink)(blink) Oh! It was all just a nightmare! A horrible, horrible nightmare… Ha, I knew Dr. Wily would never take us to court over using his name… or that Jack McCoy would EVER go over to the side of evil!*

*See events in Episode 16, Season 1!

Starnik: (pulls himself out of bed) Nnngh… man, what a weird dream. I wonder what the other members are doing…
Narrator: After a brief search of the house, Starnik finds it completely empty! Not only that, all the furniture and electronics is gone as well!

Starnik: What the…?! Were we robbed?! What happened here?! (Picks up a note) …”Dear Starnik, saw you sleeping in, as usual, figured you could meet us all at Dr. Wily’s castle. Catch ya later. Signed, Crash Man”… Erk! Guess it wasn’t a dream… they must’ve moved all the stuff over there last night… I better head over and see what’s happened! And find out why I am saying everything out loud! Away~!

Narrator: Later, at the fortress…

Sniper Joe: (High in a tower) Who goes there?!

Starnik: It’s me! Quick Man! Of the Wily’s Warriors!

Sniper Joe: Pull the other one!

Starnik: I am! I have ridden the length and breadth of the land to find out what has happened to my team! I must speak with Dr. Wily!

Sniper Joe: What? Ridden on a horse?

Starnik: Yes!

Sniper Joe: You’re using coconuts!

Starnik: What?

Sniper Joe: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

Starnik: So? I have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Megaopolis, through...

Sniper Joe: Where’d you get the coconuts?

Starnik: I found‘ em.

Sniper Joe: Found them? In Megaopolis? The coconut's tropical!

Starnik: What do you mean?

Sniper Joe: Well, this is a temperate zone!

Starnik: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

Sniper Joe: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Starnik: Not at all. They could be carried.

Sniper Joe: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

Starnik: It could grip it by the husk!

Sniper Joe: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.

Starnik: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Starnik of the Wily’s Warriors is here?

Sniper Joe: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

Starnik: PLEASE!

Sniper Joe: Am I right?

Starnik: I’m not interested!

Metool: It could be carried by an African swallow!

Sniper Joe: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

Metool: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

Starnik: (growing impatient) will you tell Dr. Wily that I’m here or not?!

Sniper Joe: (ignoring Starnik completely) But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

Metool: Oh, yeah…

Sniper Joe: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...

Metool: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

Sniper Joe: No, they'd have to have it on a line.

Metool: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

Starnik: (not amused) Okay. That’s it. I tried being nice. (Uses his speed to run up the side of the building)

Sniper Joe: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

Metool: Well, why not?

Starnik: (landing between the two arguing guards) Ahem.

Sniper Joe: Now look here, we’re ‘aving ourselves a bit of a discussi-

(KA POW!)

Sniper Joe: (lying on the ground) Daisy, daisy… blargh…

Metool: (also trashed) Dr. Chandra, will I dream…? oof…

Starnik: (cracking his knuckles) Ah, that felt… satisfying. Hm? I think I hear someone coming…

Cyros: Yeesh, I’ve only been activated a few seconds and already I have to go run down every little security threat… erk! Ohmygosh, there IS an intruder!

Starnik: Huh? Flash Man? Johnny? What are you talking about? It’s me!

Cyros: (leveling his arm cannon at Starnik) I don’t know who you are, buddy, but you better not mess with me! I’m one Doctor Wily’s strongest Robot Masters!

Starnik: (unimpressed) Oh yeah? Look Johnny, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you better put that pop gun away before I feed it to yooooooerrrghshf…. (Stops all movement)

Cyros: Whew! Time Stopper always does the trick! Now he won’t be able to move for quite a while! Better cart him back to the Doctor…

Narrator: And so…

Cyros: Hey! Doctor W! I got the person trying to break in!

Dr. Wily: (sitting atop his throne) Ah… very good, Flash Man. I see it’s our dear friend Quick Man. He’s the only one left…

Starnik: …gshferooooouuuu! And another thi-…wait, where am I? Dr. Wily?!

Dr. Wily: (making his way towards Starnik) Heh. Welcome to my humble abode. I trust your trip was pleasant? We have a few things to get out of the way, and then we can get to your eternal service to me…

Starnik: erk… yeah… but before that, what’s happened to Johnny (pointing to Cyros)? He doesn’t seem to remember me at all!

Dr. Wily: Ah… you must mean Flash Man. You robot masters were giving me a few problems, so I decided to rewrite your programming. I gave all the Warriors more “evil” personalities…

Starnik: WHAT?! But, what about Shadowblade?! Life Virus? Koloa? Pharon?!

Dr. Wily: (faking concern) Hm, yes, they’re quite gone now, I’m afraid. The only one I haven’t had to reprogram is Ben. He was already evil and psychotic to begin with…

Starnik: Wait, wait, wait, you said you made them evil, but this guy here (motions to Cyros again) seems nice enough…

Dr. Wily: (whispering) I made him like… Pokemon.

Starnik: …You twisted BASTARD.

Cyros: …Huh? (Looking hurt) But… it’s… it’s got its good points…

Dr. Wily: (holding up a screwdriver) and now, my speedy little friend, it is your turn. Can’t have you mucking about, trying to save the world and all…

Starnik: Er…! Wait! I’m evil! I kick puppies! I’ve been known to laugh manically! In episode fifteen, I TOTALLY ditched my friends to save my own skin!

Dr. Wily: (rubbing chin) Hmm… I suppose that IS pretty evil… Bass?

Bass: (Steeping out of the shadows, with a familiar crocodile in tow…) I say we have him prove it… by makin’ a suitcase out of our little “friend” here!

Murray: (gulp!) Grrrrr…

Dr. Wily: Ah! An excellent idea, Bass. Yes, Quick Man, let’s see if you’re as evil as you say you are…

Starnik: Erk! Yes, al… all right… (Levels his Quick Boomerang launcher at the crocodile, and hesitates)

Murray: (making the largest, saddest eyes possible) g… grunt?

Bass: (tapping his foot impatiently) Hurry it up!

Starnik: Huh? (Misfires the boomerang, inadvertently cutting loose Murray)

Murray: Growl! (escapes!)

Bass: Wow, that croc can really move…

Starnik: Tsk, way to go Bass! Your outburst made me miss! Now I’m going to have to hunt him down! (runs off)

Dr. Wily: (rubbing his chin) Hmmm… most excellent… Looks like I may have use for him after all…

Bass: Dr. Wily, why didn’t you tell him about those backups you made of the Warriors’ original personalities on disk?

Dr. Wily: For the same reason I didn’t tell him about the extra spare bodies I keep of all my robot masters… it might have given him too many “ideas”… Besides, why let those personalities go to waste? They may prove useful to me one day…

Bass: Huh, I would’ve just gotten rid of them to be sure…

Narrator: Later, deep in the underground caves that worm around under Skull Castle, we see Starnik has cornered Murray, standing between him and an underground river that could lead to freedom!

Starnik: End of the line, bub. (aims a Quick Boomerang at Murray again)

Murray: (tensing up) Grrrwwwwlll…

Starnik: …

Murray: …?

Starnik: I… I can’t do it! (turns around and sits down at the water’s edge)

Murray: …grunt? (walks towards Starnik)

Starnik: …They’re gone, Murray. Everyone I knew… I mean, I know we didn’t get along all the time, and we had our differences, but they’re GONE. You and Ben… ha… that’s all that’s left of us.

Murray: (nods sympathetically)

Starnik: …I don’t know what to do, Murray. Maybe if… maybe if I had done a better job, taken everything more seriously…

Murray: Growl!

Starnik: (crossing his arms) You’re right, of course. Can’t change the past. I’ve gotta live with it… and now I’m stuck on a team where I don’t know anyone… where we have to work for one of the most evil mad scientists on the planet… Heh, at least YOU can escape, Murray. (motions to the water)

Murray: Grunt?

Starnik: Er… sure. Maybe Shadowblade still IS out there, somewhere. (nervous smile) You never know, right?

Murray: (nods) Growl. (slides into the river, swims off)

Starnik: Heh, see you later… some day… (sighs) Guess… I have to report back, don’t I? (Wandering back) I can’t help but wonder… this new team, what will it be like?

Narrator: And so, our despondent hero made his way back to the mess hall, where Dr. Wily and the Warriors were gathered, eating dinner. To Starnik’s surprise, the scene was reminiscent of the old Warriors’ antics!

Ben: Why won’t you BURN?! (Firing Atomic Fire at Cinder)

Cinder: (constantly putting out the flames with Lead Bubbles) I’m regretful to notify your minuscule intellect that there is no way for your conflagration to mar one such as myself. Now, allow me to consume your sandwich in tranquility!

Naoshi: (using Ben’s flames to roast hotdogs) Hey, keep it up Ben! Just a few more minutes and I’ll have made enough to feed all the Joes!

Darksage: (to Iga) Of COURSE you want me to have power of attorney! You can’t be bothered to be “signing” things all the time, can you? I’m merely trying to make your life easier! Now, sign on this dotted line…

Iga: (holding pencil nervously) I… I don’t know about this…

Cyros: (talking to Mr. Whiz) …And so, THAT is what happened in episode 37. Now, in episode 38…

Mr. Whiz: (foaming at the mouth) Gack… blargh…

Shadowstrike: Oh my God! You’re KILLING him!

Narrator: Surveying the scene, Starnik is at first struck silent. Then despite himself, he begins to laugh!

Starnik: (laughing so hard, he’s crying) I guess… I guess it’s true! The more things change, the more they stay the same…

The Beginning…