Wilys Warriors - Episode 12 - Great White North, Part 2
by Heat Man

This epilouge is dedicated to the memory of the great Canadian comedian John Morgan (1930-2004)

Narrator: While the Warriors were busy scouring the great white north, the regular villains were sitting on their butts trying to formulate a plan of attack… but Dragon went to go check on the warriors but when he came back.

Alien Wily: Well? Did you destroy their base?

Dragon: Nobody was home…

Alien Wily: What?!

Dragon: Yeah. The killer Gamecube told me they went to…

Alien Wily: Silence! (Groans) I'll have to change my plans for the weekend. What should we do…?

Dragon: Well boss we could go…

Alien Wily: I got it! We'll conquer a country! It has to be big…

Guts Dozer: Ruusah?

Alien Wily: Nah… too big…

Dragon: (Sigh) Doesn't anybody listen to me anymore?

Alien Wily: We'll conquer Canada!

Dragon: Funny you should say that boss because…

Alien Wily: SHUT UP! I'm on the phone… Hello Secret Base Realty? Yeah do you have any secret bases in Canada…?

Dragon: (Sighs again) Now I'm wishing the Gamecube fed me to the Gameboys…

Narrator: Meanwhile up in Regina on the endless plains of Saskatchewan…

Flash: I wonder why it was an unusually warm summer in Toronto and here in Regina it's an unusually bitter winter.

Pointy: Apparently our heavy industry in the United States has been creating unusual weather patterns in Canada.

Flash: (Blinks)

Pointy: What?!

Flash: You actually said something intelligent.

Pointy: Of course. Because of the cheaper drug prices I've been able to load up of on anti-depressants and anti-ADHD drugs. Which have considerable boosted my intelligence and attention span.

Flash: (Face fault) But you have neither.

Pointy: I couldn't pass up prices like these. (Points to the Pharmacy across the street)

Pharmacist: Prozac! Viagra! 5 for a dollah!

Flash: Whatever, According to this file that Ben shared medication with a 'Connie Bloor' who spends are her time and welfare checks at this donut shop.

(They both walk into the donut shop, where they're approach by none other than Connie herself in one of her ranting moods.)

Connie: The Americans are going to invade us eh?!

Flash: Uh no lady we're just…

Connie: (Pulls out a paper cutout of the president) The president is accusing us of laboring 'Loons and Beavers of Mass Destruction eh?

Pointy: Actually we're here to find…

Connie: (Tosses the cutout into a shredder) He says we must disarm! Oh these are dangerous times eh? First the country's psycho is deported back and they accuse us of harboring terrorists? It makes you wonder if those eggheads in Washington are a few donuts short of a baker's dozen eh?

Pointy: I don't know if this conversation is going anywhere Flash.

Flash: JUST TELL US WHERE BEN IS LADY!

Connie: (Snorts) The only thing that gives my mind some peace is sleeping pills stuffed in a Boston Cream donut…. Like this one! I want some peace eh? (Wolfs down the donut and suddenly lifelessly falls to the floor)

Pointy and Flash: …

Flash: Is she dead?

Connie: (Lets out a huge snore)

Pointy: Sadly… no. She's not.

Flash: It's a miracle why Canadians never run out of Prozac.

Narrator: Meanwhile in the Rocky Mountains in western Alberta and abandoned by Pyro, Crash is left to fend of him himself on their wooded slopes.

Crash: Stupid fox, leaves me and gives me this map from 1967 that's looks like a retarded monkey drew all over it… (Trips over a root) ARGH! (THUNK!)

(With great difficulty Crash regains his footing and shouts several expletives scaring away wildlife.)

Crash: (Stumbles out of the forest near a creek) Oy! I want to go home.

???: Hi.

Crash: (Looks back at the man) Hi, do you know where I can find civilization?

???: I'm Mike from Canmore.

Crash: Mike, do you know where the nearest town is?

Mike: I've got a dog named Norm, he's part collie but I'm not sure what part.

Crash: DO YOU KNOW WHERE I COULD USE A FLIPPIN' PHONE?!

Mike: Yep.

Crash: (Sigh) Lead the way Mike.

(Meanwhile in the mountain facing them)

Alien Wily: Yes! This base has everything I need!

Dragon: I must say the heavy fortification, weapons of doom and labs are all…

Alien Wily: The heavy fortification, weapons of doom and labs are all more than satisfactory for my evil purposes.

Dragon: That's what I said boss.

Alien Wily: Shut up noise monkey!

Dragon: One, you ripped that off from a web comic. Two I'm a reptile boss.

Alien Wily: SILENCE! (Storms off)

Dragon: Oy. This hidden base has 2800 channels I wonder what's on. (Flies off)

(In a hospital in Halifax)

Starnik: For once can we have a vacation where you don't piss off drunken a Scotsman?!

Koala: We're sorry Starnik!

Pharon: He was a lot tougher than he looked. ;_;

Starnik: (Sigh) Whatever Bubble, Flash and Pointy are in the cab waiting. Let's go!

Nurse: Uh sir… there's the matter about your hospital bill.

Starnik: I thought you Canadians had free healthcare.

Nurse: That's for Canadian citizens sir. American tourists have to pay for their hospital bills.

Starnik: (Twitch)

(Half of Halifax stops as they hear Starnik scream an expletive that begins with a 'f' and ends with a 'k')

Canadian 1: Looks like an American tourist thought he could abuse our healthcare system eh?

Canadian 2: Heh. What a loser eh?

Starnik: (Walks out of the hospital) We'll be lucky if we can break even this trip. (Cell phone rings) Hello? Hey Crash!

Crash: Uh Starnik. I have some good news.

Starnik: Yeah?

Crash: I know where Ben is, but he's out training some beavers and his militia think I'm an American spy!

Starnik: Militia?! Where are you Crash?

Crash: Ah, Cyanide Lake in Alberta. Please hurry they're… (Click)

Starnik: Crash?! (Runs to the cab) Cabbie! Take us to Cyanide Lake pronto!

Dave: Hey! Your wish is my command! But no Visa or I'll kill you!

Starnik: Just… go.

(Cyanide Lake)

Marg: (Duct tapes Crash's mouth shut) It's nothing personal honey, we don't want you yanks discovering our secret militia. General Stacy! Are we prepared for a pre-emptive strike.

Col. Stacy: Please call me Theresa, and yes the Chicken Cannon Corps are prepared to strike ma'am.

Marg: That's excellent, I'll personally see to those Yankee spies.

(Meanwhile at Death Mountain)

Comedian: I'll buy that for a dollar!

Dragon: What trash! (Changes the channel)

Newscaster: After ten minutes of tense talks with the Canadian prime minister, the President broke off all talks claiming that the Canadians harbor Alien Wily and his terrorist group at Death Mountain/Cyanide Lake…

Dragon: Oh no… (Flies off) Boss! Boss! The President he found out where our new…

Alien Wily: Silence! Guts Dozer, what shall we do with Prince Edward Island?

Guts Dozer: Uhhhhhh…

Alien Wily: Ah ha! I can use it to dump all the toxic waste and radioactive materials!

Heat: Over my dead body!

Alien Wily: Oh Dragon, we found him in the woods training some stupid beavers. Will you be a good minion and play hackey sack? With him as the sack.

Dragon: (Smirks) My pleasure boss.

Heat: You're a dead bot Dragon.

(Hours pass as the cab the other Warriors are in stops at the gates of the militia camp)

Starnik: Pointy you go pay Dave here.

Pointy: But…

Starnik: Pay the man.

Dave: That'll be $35 000 my American friends.

(The Warriors pile out except Pointy)

Pointy: Uh, I… uh spent all my money on cheap drugs so all I have is this… (Shows Dave a Visa card)

Dave: I said no Visa or I'll kill you!

Pointy: But…

Dave: NO VISA OR I WILL KILL YOU! (Eyes glow as he pulls out a Metal Blade)

Pointy: NOOOOOOO!

(MM2 death sound FX)

Bubble: Oh crap, Pointy paid in Visa.

Starnik: He'll regenerate back HQ, he'll be fine. Is it me or is this camp suspiciously empty! Don't do anything stupid.

Koala: Hey look! (Points)

Pharon: Crash!

(Both run up to Crash)

Koala: (Rips off the duct tape) Crash! Talk to me!

Crash: You idiots! It's a trap!

Koala: A trap?

(Marg leaps off the bunker and lands behind Koala and Pharon)

Marg: Surrender Yankee spies, or I Marg Delahunty: Warrior Princess shall be forced to smite thee.

Pharon: You are no match for the…

Pharon and Koala: MARSUPIAL BROTHERS!

Koala: Charge! (Charges Marg but impales himself of her sword) ACK!

Marg: Oh It's nothing personal hun. (Lifts Koala and throws him to the beavers)

Beavers: (Chatter and drag Koala away)

Koala: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Pharon: No! Give me back my brother! (Follows them)

Marg: All who defy Marg Princess Warrior shall be smitten!

Starnik: Hey Maggie! There's still four of us left!

Marg: Eh? I thought you were a girl…

Bubble: Uh oh…

Crash: She shouldn't have done that.

Starnik: PREPARE TO DIE!

(Starnik dashes at Marg who dodges, so he turns back as he comes screeching to a halt firing a barrage of Quick Boomerangs.)

Marg: (Deflects them with her sword) Nice try Britt!

Starnik: (Growls) Now that tears it! (Starts pounding her with super-fast punches)

(Meanwhile at Alien Wily's fortress, Dragon is batting Heat Man with his tail in a sadistic game of hackey sack.)

Dragon: Heh heh heh, this is the most fun I had all week.

Heat: *SMACK!* I'm *THWACK!* going to *SMACK!* kill you!

Dragon: What you going to do about that you walking zippo?

(Heat Man starts glowing white hot)

Dragon: Fuddruckers.

(The Mountain Fortress is blown to pebbles by a blast of nuclear fire, catching the attention of Marg and the Warriors.)

Marg: What in the name of Lester B. Pearson?

Crash: At least we know where Ben was.

(Gutsdozer arcs towards the ground and lands on Marg)

Starnik: YES! Ha… (Ben lands on him) …ha. Watch where you land shorty!

Heat: Shorty?! Why I oughta!

(Then the Warriors find them surrounded with militiamen with Chicken Cannons)

Col. Stacy: American spies! Unhand Commander Ben or find yourselves fired upon with fermenting foodstuffs.

Crash: Ben… SAY SOMETHING!

Heat: Oh my god. They killed Marg!

Crash: That was not what I had in mind.

Heat: Oh… American Spies?! They are the spies! (Points at Alien Wily) SEIZE THEM!

Alien Wily: What I'm not..!

(The cannons then point at Alien Wily and Dragon)

Col. Stacy: Fire!

(As Alien Wily and Dragon are being blasted with rotten food. Gutsdozer starts to quake, Marg hoists the gargantuan treaded robot over her)

Starnik: Holy salami on rye! 0_0

Bubble: Man I didn't know Canadians had superhuman strength.

Marg: Take this you American spies! (Throws Gutsdozer at them) AIEEEEEEEEEEE! (Charges them)

Starnik: Just when this epilouge couldn't get weirder… Run Warriors while you still can!

Warriors: Gotcha!

(One plane ride later)

Flash: No! You madman!

Pointy: (Jumps out the window) Weeeee! I can fly like Super… *THUD!* (Lands in Wood Man's award-winning rose bushes)

Crash: (Sipping Ice Tea) Starnik, Pointy jumped out the window again.

Starnik: Well looks like things are back to normal.

Crash: Uh… we left Koala and Pharon behind.

Starnik: We did?

Crash: Don't tell me you forgot about them already.

(Meanwhile back in Canada)

Pharon: Don't worry bro… (Tries to pry Koala free from a beaver dam) ...I'll get ya out of here.

Koala: Watch out, they're vicious little…

(The beavers surface and hiss)

Koala: Too late! Run Pharon run!

(Pharon starts running, but the beavers catch up and…)

Pharon: Nooooooooooooooo!

(Screen fades to black)

THE END