Wily's Warriors - Season 2 - Mr. Monopoly's Mascot Madness

by Darksage

Starnik as Quick Man Darksage as Crash Man
Ben as Heat Man Cyros as Flash Man
Cinder as Bubble Man Naoshi as Metal Man
Shadowstrike as Air Man Iga as Wood Man

Narrator: On a bright, sunny day, the Wily’s Warriors start off on another mission, in one of Dr. Wily’s jets. It is a nice, peaceful flight as they head towards their destination.

Naoshi: *wearing a propeller beanie* Are we there yet?

Cyros: Not yet.

Naoshi: Oh, okay. Are we there yet?

Iga: Not yet Naoshi.

Naoshi. Oh, all right. Are we there now?

Shadowstrike: No, blade brain!

Naoshi: Sorry… Are we…

Ben: Shut the hell up or I’ll shove a blade up your ass!

Iga: Naoshi, why don’t you find something to do while we fly.

Naoshi: Cool, I’ll eat my lunch!

*Naoshi takes out his Blue’s Clues lunch box and unpacks it*

Cyros: Why does Dr. Wily always pack him a lunch and not us?

Iga: It’s because he always bothers Wily until he packs him one.

Shadowstrike: I thought it was because Naoshi has the brain of a four year old?

Iga: Well, yes, but I try to be nice.

Cyros: Hey guys, is it just me, or does it feel cramp around here?

Iga: I know, it’s so tight that I’m giving myself splinters!

Cyros: I think that’s too much info.

Naoshi: WAAHH!!

Cyros: Now what?

Naoshi: He drank my juice box!

Shadowstrike: *belches* Did not.

Cyros: Can’t you contain yourself for even a minute, air head?

Shadowstrike: I can for longer than you can stop being annoying crazy lady.

Iga: Can you two please stop for once?

Shadowstrike: *points at Cyros* He started it.

Cyros: I did not!

Starnik: *in a tanning bed* Shut up, I’m trying to get a tan before we land.

Cyros: I guess that explains why we can’t move on the plane. Why do you need that anyway, you can’t tan, you’re a robot!

Starnik: It makes my finish shinier.

*As Starnik lays back down, flames come out of the bottom of the bed, causing him to jump out*

Starnik: WATER WATER!!! *grabs a bottle from Naoshi*

Naoshi: Hey, that was my calcium water to help me become big and strong!

Ben: If you want more water, I’ll throw you into the ocean!

Naoshi: You can’t, I don’t have my duckie tube!

Starnik: *dripping wet* Oh yes, that’s better. Damn you Ben!

Ben: I haven’t killed anything in two days, so I had to vent my frustrations somehow.

Starnik: Since my bed is now ash, how long is it until we land?

Shadowstrike: I don’t know. Heck, I don’t even know where we’re going.

Cyros: Dr. Wily told us in the meeting yesterday morning. Don’t you ever pay attention?!

Shadowstrike: Oh yeah, I’d pay attention to that. Really, didn’t he just say “Blah blah blah…I’m going to take over the world…blah blah blah…don’t screw up…blah blah blah…here is my lame plan…blah blah blah…get your asses out of here!”?

Cyros: No, if you were paying atten-wait, actually, that is pretty much what he said.

Shadowstrike: I told you so.

Cyros: Anyway, we’re going to 350 Park Place in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.

Iga: I’m not sure, but that sounds familiar for some reason.

Starnik: I don’t care really. All I know is we’re supposed to steal a million dollars from the guy who lives there, which means we could always keep a little for ourselves.

Cyros: Hey, we’re not supposed to do that. It’s all supposed to go to the doc.

Shadowstrike: Thank you for your opinion, Bass Jr.

Cinder: Does anyone want my opinion?

Iga: Did anyone say something?

Starnik: I didn’t hear anything.

Cinder: Ugh!

Ben: I just want to give you guys a warning that once we get there, I could set the place on fire at anytime.

Iga: Oh my, you giving us a heads up before you do something? That’s really nice of you Ben!

*Ben grabs Iga by his head stem*

Ben: What did you say?!

Iga: I, uh, I said ‘You are a murderous psychopath’.

Ben: That’s better. *lets Iga go*

Naoshi: *pulls a container out* YAY! I got Jell-o!

Shadowstrike: If you are talking about your head, I know.

Cyros: Can you leave the kid alone for once?

Iga: Uh, guys, I just thought of something.

Starnik: *toweling off* What is it?

Iga: If we are all here, who is flying the jet?

Starnik: Uh oh.

Darksage: *over the intercom* We are now approaching our final destination. Everyone please fasten your belts as we start to descend.

Cyros: *buckles up using three belts* I hate it when he flies the plane.

Iga: Are you talking about because he has no hands?

Cyros: Yes, and that he is so damn calm about it!

Shadowstrike: It could have been worse, *points* he could’ve been piloting.

Naoshi: *eating* Grapes are good and healthy for my tummy!

Cyros: Good point.

Later, after landing, the group makes their way to an ominous mansion.

Cyros: Okay, this is the place.

Iga: It looks like a giant red hotel more than a mansion.

Starnik: Whatever. Let’s just hurry up and brake in, steal the money, and get this over with.

Shadowstrike: Let me guess, an all day TV marathon?

Starnik: Of course not…Victoria’s Secret is having a fashion show downtown and I want to use my new binoculars.

Ben: That’s a shock.

Starnik: This is coming from the guy who makes pelts out of cute bunnies.

Ben: Hey, someone has to do it!

Cyros: Can we please go in?

Starnik: Fine. Darksage, blow the door open.

Darksage: *shrugs* Okay, as you say.

Cyros: No wait!

*Before Cyros can stop him, Darksage blows up the front door with a crash bomb*

Cyros: Couldn’t you be a little more subtle?

Darksage: Do you mean like when I went into your room and collected $500 for a massager I sold you?

Cyros: Yes, just like-wait, I thought it was $14.50!

Darksage: You forgot about handling charges.

Starnik: Come on, let’s go in.

*All go inside, with no one around*

Iga: It’s quiet, too quiet.

Ben: *eyes burning* DID I HEAR A CLICHÉ?!

Iga: Uh, no…

Starnik: Well, just be on the look out. I don’t like the feeling of this at all.

Naoshi: *sees a statue* Cool, a golden person! *runs up to it*

Shadowstrike: Naoshi, you moron, get back here!

*Naoshi touches the statue, causing a hole in the floor to open*

All: *while falling* NAOSHI YOU DUMB ASS!!!

Naoshi: *falling too* Sorryyyyyyyy…

Later on, in the basement…

Cyros: Oh wow, what hit me?

Shadowstrike: It’s good to see you awake, crazy lady.

Cyros: Don’t call me-*clank!* Ow! What the heck is going on?

Darksage: Well, from what we can deduct, we were captured after we fell and put into some kind of tubes.

Ben: Yes, and I can’t blow it up, chop it up, set it on fire, or even bite it!

Starnik: I think we are about to find out what’s happening soon, I see someone coming.

*A small figure moves in closer to the tubed team, coming out of the shadows and showing…*

Naoshi: It’s the Monopoly guy! I like him!

Mr. Monopoly: My name is Rich Uncle Moneybags, or you simpletons may just call me Mr. Monopoly.

Shadowstrike: Nah, Monopoly guy works better for us.

Mr. Monopoly: I would figure as much from a group of untrained savages as your selves.

Starnik: Hey buddy, we are not savages, well, aside from Ben.

Shadowstrike: Yeah, and we are trained too, well, except Naoshi.

Mr. Monopoly: I am making an assumption that you miscreants are here to rob me of my vast fortune.

Naoshi: Nope, we came to steal your money!

Darksage: That’s good Naoshi. Now why don’t you bore a hole in your head and let the sap run out.

Starnik: I know I’m going to regret asking, but why are we in these tubes?

Mr. Monopoly: You see, I’m sort of a collector, as you would say.

Cyros: I get it; you want to keep us as display pieces, right?

Mr. Monopoly: On the contrary, I want you all to see my special collection first hand. You see, I have always been an enthusiast in the collecting of pop culture memorabilia, most notably mascots of makers of digestive substances.

Shadowstrike: You mean you collect merchandise of characters from food commercials? Wow, and I thought crazy lady was nuts!

Cyros: Hey, watch it!

Naoshi: Watch what?


Mr. Monopoly: Actually, I collect the mascots themselves.

All: WHAT?!

Mr. Monopoly: Yes, it’s quite true. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d deeply enjoy it that you all get to meet them up close. Cheerio, then!

*Mr. Monopoly pulls a lever, sending each member into a subbasement through their tubes.*

Mr. Monopoly: Now with those barbarians disposed of, I can go make sure that my vault is still on the up and up.

Soon after, in a subbasement cell, similar looking to an over…

Starnik: I’m getting sick of these drop downs. They’re not good for my shine!

???: Woo hoo, I got a visitor!

Starnik: Who are-what the hell?!

Pillsbury Dough Boy: I do not get many people down here. Would you like to bake with me and my homemade goodness?

Starnik: No, but I’d rather run over you and make you into road kill.

Pillsbury Dough Boy: Then I have no choice but to fight with all my might!

Starnik: Bring it, lard boy.

Pillsbury Dough Boy: I intend to. Nothing ever beats my freshly made home style biscuit dough, woo hoo!

*The dough boy holds out his hands, firing biscuit dough at Starnik and the surrounding ground.*

Starnik: *running* you have to be better than-ack, I’m stuck!

Pillsbury Dough Boy: I love to put my opponents in a sticky situation!

Starnik: Okay, you using catch phrases and quips just went from cute to annoying.

Pillsbury Dough Boy: Woo hoo! I will now bake you at 350 degrees to a golden brown and ready to serve!

Starnik: No you’re not, you Teletubbies reject.

*Starnik starts to vibrate quickly, causing the dough around him to shake off*

Starnik: Now, what can I do with you?

Pillsbury Dough Boy: You can help me bake my fresh cookie dough in an easy bake oven?

Starnik: I think I’ll just bake you instead.

*Starnik runs at incredible speeds around the dough boy, causing him to heat up and “bake” in place*

Pillsbury Dough Boy: Hey, what are you doing?! Stop that you crazy asshole! AAHH!! *baked solid*

Starnik: Now that I’m done with him, I’ll go find the others, after a little snack. *stares at the dough boy*

Meanwhile, in a popcorn covered cell…

Shadowstrike: Hey, old man, haven’t I seen you before?

Orville Redenbacher: Oh my, a talking fan. I did need a new fan to cool off my wondrous popping corn.

Shadowstrike: Um, excuse me, but what about answering my question?

Orville Redenbacher: Why, my dear talking fan, have you ever heard of my delicious popping corn?

Shadowstrike: What are you talking about?

Orville Redenbacher: Why, I make the best popcorn in the land, with special ingredients mixed with love and care!

Shadowstrike: Oh yeah, now I remember you, you’re that popcorn guy.

Orville Redenbacher: I am so happy now that you like my popping corn.

Shadowstrike: I only said I knew who you were. I think you’re popcorn tastes like Styrofoam dipped in Crisco.

Orville Redenbacher: Oh, you don’t like my popping corn? That is not very nice. I will have to make you appreciate the grand home grown goodness of my corn. *takes out a flame thrower*

Shadowstrike: Okay, that’s different. I definitely don’t think being attacked by a calm yet psychotic popcorn maker with a torch is something I’ve been part of before.

Orville Redenbacher: Dear me, I am not trying to hurt you at all, my talking fan. I just want to melt you down into a nice, cozy cooling unit for my popping corn. Wouldn’t that be so lovely and nice?

Shadowstrike: Let me think…oh yeah, I know my answer. HELL NO!

Orville Redenbacher: Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. Too bad now I must destroy you and rebuild you for my popping corn.

Shadowstrike: Enough with the ‘popping corn’ crap already! Just shut up so I can blow you away.

Orville Redenbacher: That is not very nice. I will have to use my cob launcher now.

*the insane popcorn maker pulls out what seems to be a bazooka from behind him*

Shadowstrike: What the hell…

*Shadowstrike is unprepared as three corn cobs are fired into his rotor, stunning him momentarily*

Orville Redenbacher: I am sorry now, but I now will have to fired a shot between your eyes and blow your electronic brain out. I must do it to make my corn feel more cozy and better.

Shadowstrike: *cleaning his rotor* Okay, if anyone hears me, I need help now please!

*As soon as Airman finishes his sentence, a figure dressed in black bursts though a wall and meets Orville with a kick the chest*

Shadowstrike: Holy crap, its freakin’ Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris: I heard you from the other side that you needed some assistance, so I came to help.

Shadowstrike: Hell yes!

Orville Redenbacher: Oh my, an unexpected guest. I will just have to kill you too I suppose.

Chuck Norris: *to Shadowstrike* Hey, why don’t you say we double team this creep?

Shadowstrike: Let’s do it!

*Chuck Norris hits Orville in the jaw with a jump kick before he could fire off a shot. Chuck followed by throwing the crazy old man into the air*

Chuck Norris: Go for it Airman!

Shadowstike: Oh yeah!

*Shadowstrike fires off a massive tornado, picking off Orville in mid air, sending him into a flame-operated popcorn wagon, and to a gruesome demise*

Shadowstrike: Thank you for the team up Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris: Anytime, my friend. Now, I must leave. There are a bunch of drug dealers trying to take over a strip club in Providence. Remember to keep fighting for truth, justice, and the American way. *leaves through the wall he came through*

Shadowstrike: Most…awesome…moment…EVER!

Later, in a rubber room…

Naoshi: Hi!

Chips Ahoy Cookie: Hi!

Naoshi: Hi!

Chips Ahoy Cookie: Hi!

Naoshi: Hi!

Chips Ahoy Cookie: Hi!

Naoshi: I’m Naoshi!

Chips Ahoy Cookie: I’m a cookie!

Naoshi: COOKIE?!

Chips Ahoy Cookie: Uh oh!

Naoshi: *charges after the cookie* COOKIE!

Chips Ahoy Cookie: *runs* AAH, SAVE ME!

Naoshi: * chasing the cookie* C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me!

Meanwhile, in a green room…

Iga: I guess I should be thankful I ended up with so much plant life here!

Jolly Green Giant: Ho ho ho, who enters my valley domain?

Iga: *looking up* Oh leaping lizards, why does this happen to me?!

Jolly Green Giant: Hello little man! You should not be here, you might disrupt my vegetables.

Iga: I’m sorry but I was sent down here by a madman from a board game.

Jolly Green Giant: Ho ho ho, well, that madman is who I listen to for orders. I will have to take care of you, my little stump inposter.

Iga: *in battle stance* I’m fine with that. Also for your information, I’m really made of wood.

Jolly Green Giant: Oh, really? If you are all natural, I can not fight you. I will never harm another being made from nature.

Iga: What? Aw, come on! I really want to fight! I need to prove to the others I really am dependable in battle and deserve respect!

Jolly Green Giant: *pats Woodman on the head* You shouldn’t use such big words little guy! Now, run along and stay out of trouble.

*with that, the giant pushes Iga out of the cell door*

Iga: Damn…at least no one else knows what happened so I can at least not hear about this later.

Starnik: *from down the hall* I did and you will.

Iga: Ah crap.

At the same time, a more sophisticated battle gets ready to take place…

Ben: What the fuck are you supposed to be?!

Helping Hand: I’m the Helping Hand who preaches to the world the significance of the world’s greatest creation, Hamburger Helper!

Ben: I guess that explains why this place smells like German Shepherd dung.

Helping Hand: Do not mock the greatness of the helper!

Ben: I’m not mocking it. I like to buy it myself. It’s a great cheap rat poison.

Helping Hand: You made me So mad, I’m coming for you!

*the Helping Hand charges at Ben, at the same speed as a pregnant elephant with a broken leg*

Ben: Okay, this is just pathetic.

Helping Hand: *charging* CHAAARGE!!!

Ben: Fuck it.

*Ben fires off of three atomic fire shots, only to have the Helping Hand walk through it*

Helping Hand: I am fire retardant! *continues “charging”* CHAAARGE!

Ben: *pulls out a chain gun* Big deal, I’ll just have to fill your ass full of lead instead!

*Ben fires off multiple rounds of ammo into the glove, which only stuns him as they don’t penetrate*

Helping Hand: I’m bullet proof too! I don’t take crap from anyone.

Ben: This coming from someone who’s mother was probably used by a proctologist.

Helping Hand: Hey, screw you! *attemps to flip off Ben*

Ben: You’re dead, you four-fingered bastard!

*Ben takes out two machetes and gives out a yell as he goes after the glove*

Helping Hand: Oh crud…

In yet another chamber…

Darksage: Oh great, from the smell I either landed in a salt mine or the crate where we keep Wily’s sweat socks.

Mr. Peanut: *jumps out* HI-YA! *waves around two cashews like nunchucks*

Darksage: For the love of…

*Darksage fires a Crash bomb, blowing up Mr. Peanut*

Darksage: Now to find a way out…

Simultaneously, in a bakery-looking cell…

Cyros: Since I see conveyor blets and smell pastries, I’m in some type of a bakery room.

???: SHUT UP!

*as Cyros looks up, he gets hit in the face by a snack cake*

Cyros: Why did you do that…hey, aren’t you…!

Little Debbie: If you call me Little Debbie I’ll kick y’all where the sun don’t shine!

Cyros: Okay, okay! Geez, and I thought Ben was bad! Now if you just tell me how to get out of here I’ll leave you…*gets hit again* OW!

Little Debbie: Hey, I’m not done peltin’ you yet!

Cyros: Hey, just… *gets hit* OW! Stop doing… *hit* DAMN! I can’t use my time stopper!

Little Debbie: All right, I think I’ve got you where I need you! Look on up and yonder.

*Flashman looks above his head, to see he’s backed up underneath an opening, dipping cream filling*

Little Debbie: You will be my first bot cream pie!

Cyros: Ah crap, TIMEFREEZENOW!!!

*Within a second from being covered, Flashman stopped all motion in the room*

Cyros: Whew, that was too close. *looks at Little Debbie* I have an idea.

*While she was still frozen, Cyros dragged Little Debbie under where the falling cream was*

Cyros: Okay now. 3…2…1…

Little Debbie: *unfrozen* Now you-AAHH!!! *is covered*

Cyros: Now that takes care of that crazy lady! Wait…damn you Shadowstrike!

Sometime later, in Mr. Monopoly’s vault…

Mr. Monopoly: Good, everything in here looks satisfactory. I’m happy those upstarts didn’t harm one bill.

*a loud bang is heard, followed by Starnik, Iga, Nasohi, Cyros, and Ben, who was wearing the remains of the Helping Hand as a necklace, barging inside.

Starnik: Your money won’t be untouched for long, baldy.

Mr. Monopoly: You miscreants?! I thought I banished you for good! How did you get past my guards, King Cupcake and Twinkie the Kid?

Ben: I clubbed them with Charlie Tuna.

Mr. Monopoly: Oh no, not my aquarium too! You will all now face the wrath of my spectacular crushing dice!

Cyros: What are crushing dice?

Starnik: I’m guessing it’s those giant white dice that just came out of the ceiling. Everyone, SCATTER!

Naoshi: Oh, cool, giant dice! I want to play with-*gets crushed*

Mr. Monopoly: Now that I have obliterated your friend, you now know the weapons at my disposal and would be wise to leave now.

Ben: Not really, I still want to kill you.

Cyros: Besides, Metalman always dies but is okay, see?

Naoshi: *as a head* Oh wow, this floor is much cleaner than any at the castle, and is that a hint of lemony freshness I smell?

Cinder: *walks in* Hey guys, do you want to know aobut how I beat the Quaker oats guy?

Starnik: Everyone, surround him.

Cinder: DAMN!

Mr. Monopoly: You are all savages, all of you! I’m through with this all. I have other mansions with a lot more money, so I will take my leave, but I will be seeing you again!

*a silver limo crashes through the vault, allowing Mr. Monopoly to escape*

Iga: He got away, but at least we have his money.

Cyros: Think again Iga. All of this is worthless Monopoly money.

Starnik: It figures. Iga, you and someone else pick up the genius’ pieces and bring them back to the jet.

Iga: Okay. Who wants to help me?

Cinder: I will Iga!

Iga: I don’t know who said that, but come on and help me.

*the two of them scooped up naoshi’s parts and put them in a giant silver top hat that was laying around*

Naoshi: *as a head in the hat* I get to take a ride, whee! *carried out*

Cyros: Well, this sucks. We came all this way, got into separate battles, and end up with nothing of any worth.

Starnik: Actually, we do.

Cyros: Huh?

Shadowstrike: *walks in with Darksage* Hey guys, you wouldn’t believe the loot we conviscated from this place. *throws done a sack* There must be enough gold and silver trinkets to be worth a mint.

Darksage: *with an equal sized bag* Yep and we’ll be sure to get that money when we stop at a pawn shop on the way back.

Cyros: Good, then Wily will get his money after all.

Starnik: Think again. We’re keeping the pawn money and Wily will get one million all right…one million in Monopoly cash.

Shadowstrike: That works for me! Let’s go and blow this place.

Starnik: Let’s do that then. Ben, are you coming?

Ben: I’ll be right with you; I need to commit arson first.

Cyros: Have fun, we’ll be in the jet.

Ben: Trust me, I will.

Starnik: *to Cyros* Next time after a meeting, let the rest of us know where we’re going BEFORE we leave, okay?

Cyros: Hey, once again, it’s not my fault that no one…

Starnik, Shadowstrike, and Darksage: SHUT UP!