Narrator: It is a relaxing evening within the confines of Dr. Wily’s fortress. Our anti-heroes, the Wily’s Warriors, are doing what they do best; lounge around and watch television.

Oprah: Our next guest is a man who is “destined to live and die on the battlefield.” Please welcome Da-

Snake: Snake will do.

Oprah: Well then Snake, what do you do for a living?

Snake: Well Oprah, I go around performing dangerous missions, killing loads of nameless soldiers and saving the world from nuclear Armageddon while running into many pointless one-shot super powered-

Otacon: *runs in* Snake, I have something very important to tell you, in front of all these people!

Snake: Can’t it wait? I’m in the middle of an-

Otacon: I LOVE YOU, SOLID SNAKE!

Snake: !

Oprah: !

Audience: !

Snake: What!?

Otacon: Now let’s go rent a hotel and get to making many yaoi videos!

Snake: Otacon, please tell me you're joking-

Meryl: *runs in* He’s mine, bitch! *aims her Desert Eagle*

Otacon: Harlot, I’ll vanquish you! *whips at a shotgun*

Oprah: Gentlemen, ladies, please! There’s no need for violence here-

(Snake shoots Oprah with his M9, knocking her out.)

Snake: Well that was easy.

Audience Member 1: Oh my god, he killed Oprah!

Snake: No I did-

Audience Member 2: RIOT!

(The whole set of Oprah rises into an uproar. Inside their rec room, the Warriors stare at the program in disbelief.)

Warriors: ... ... ...

Ben: This show sucks!

Shadowstrike: AND blows.

Cyros: Phht, if I had a quarter every time I heard that...

Shadowstrike: No one cares, Crazy Lady.

Cyros: Oh for the love of-

Starnik: *changes the channel* So, anything else worth watching?

Iga: *reads TV Guide* Hey look, there’s a giant monster movie marathon on-

Cinder: *twitches* Monster movies, bad!

Iga: Uh...

Cinder: Bad!

Cyros: *sighs* I guess he still isn’t over our little trip to Tokyo.*

(*Season 2, Epilogues 2 & 3)

Darksage: Geesh, am I the only one who’s bored out of their mind?

Naoshi: Shut up, TV on.

Darksage: Hey, don’t tell me to shut up you-

Cyros: Do not start this bull crap now you two. We are NOT in the mood.

Shadowstrike: Crazy Lady’s got a point. Quiet down.

Cyros: Why thank- HEY!

Iga: Hey, why don’t we watch the food network?

Ben: And listen to endless Emeril knockoffs? Hell no.

Iga: Okay, how about the sports network?

Starnik: Who needs sports? *changes the channel* We’re watching Law and Order!

Darksage: *sighs* Why am I not surprised?

(Just as the team begins watching the program, several dull tremors are felt throughout the fortress.)

Shadowstrike: What the hell?

Cyros: Naoshi, please tell me you didn’t put TNT in the microwave again.

Naoshi: Gosh, I only did that, like, five times!

(Shadowstrike punts Naoshi across the room, knocking him out.)

Shadowstrike: Yeah, five times too many!

Cyros: You know, that would be a lot more effective is Naoshi was still, you know, conscious.

Shadowstrike: Shut up, Crazy Lady.

Cyros: Grr...

Starnik: Will someone PLEASE find out what’s making those tremors? I’d like to watch my programs in peace!

Cinder: Why don’t you go check it out? *glances out the window* With your speed, I doubt it would matter missing a few sec- HOLY FREAKING JESUS ON A POGO STICK!

Iga: Whoa, Cinder? Are you-

Cinder: HE’S BACK TO DESTROY US ALL! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! GODZILLA!!!

(Cinder flees rapidly in fear despite his flipper foot handicap.)

Darksage: Did he just say Godzilla?

Iga: Now why would Godzilla be all the way out here?

Ben: *grins* Maybe he’s back for more destruction.

Cyros: *looks out the window* Okay, the good news is that Godzilla isn’t outside anywhere.

Ben: Damn it!

Starnik: So, um, what’s the bad news?

Cyros: Bad news is that a giant robotic mecha is about to blow the hell out of our-

(A barrage a missiles strikes the side of Wily’s fortress, collapsing it. The mysterious mecha gives off a metallic roar of triumph and walks away into the woods. Underneath the rubble, the Warriors begin to dig their way out.)

Darksage: *blows away some plaster* Well that sucked.

Starnik: Oh no! The- the television!

(Starnik runs to his precious TV, which is now broken.)

Starnik: You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

(Starnik’s cellphone goes off, so he pauses his ranting for the moment and answers it.)

Starnik: Hello?

Gauntlet: *over the phone* STOP BLAMING US FOR YOUR MISTAKES! *hangs up*

Starnik: ...right.

Iga: Who was that?

Starnik: *tosses away cell phone* Eh, no one important.

Cyros: *crawls into view* Is everyone alright?

Shadowstrike: You know, warning us a little sooner would have been a great help, ass wipe.

Cyros: Just be glad that... thing thinks we’re dead.

Iga: How do you know it wasn’t after Wily or something?

Cyros: Well, you can see that the rest of the fortress is still standing, and-

(On one of the ruined upper levels, Wily barges in through the door.)

Wily: What is all this racket? Can’t a scientist work in- WHAT THE $&#* DID YOU IDIOTS DO TO MY FORTRESS!?

Starnik: Um... would you believe nothing?

Naoshi: *rises out of the rubble* I’m still alive!

(A metal beam falls onto Naoshi, crushing him.)

Naoshi: Oww.

(Several minutes later, all the Warriors, Wily, Bass and Mr. Whiz look at the destroyed side of the fortress.)

Wily: Mein gott, this will take weeks to repair...

Starnik: I sure hope your insurance will cover this, Doc.

Wily: Are you an imbecile!? Who in the right mind would give me an insurance policy!?

Starnik: Uh...

Ben: *scoffs* Idiot.

Bass: I am NOT cleaning this up.

Wily: Oh yes you will! You and Mr. Whiz are going to fix this up ASAP!

Mr. Whiz: Oh come on!

Wily: Do it! Or I will permanently implant the Partridge Family theme song into your miserable minds!

Bass, Mr. Whiz: *terrified* No! Anything but that!

Wily: *grins evilly* Then get to work!

(Bass and Mr. Whiz go off to clean up the rubble. Wily then resumes addressing his Warriors.)

Darksage: You know, I’m surprised you’re not making us help clean up as well.

Wily: Oh, but I am! *laughs*

Warriors: Oh come on!!!

Wily: Well, unless you idiots have more urgent things to do for me, what choice do you have?

(Cyros’ dome head suddenly lights up in insight.)

Cyros: We could, you know, go after the one’s responsible for this.

Wily: You know who did this to my fortress!?

(The Warriors nod in unison.)

Wily: Well spill it already!

Cyros: It was this large mecha, sir! It launched a barrage of missiles at us and left. It even left behind a trail for us to follow, see?

(Cyros points to the northern forest, where many trees have fallen to create large path, large enough for a giant mecha.)

Wily: Then it’s settled. You’re going to follow that trail and find out who dared to attack my fortress!

Warriors: Okay.

Wily: However. *pauses* I want one of you to stay here and help with the clean-up anyway!

Warriors: Son of a bitch!

Cinder: Which one of us would be dumb enough to agree to that?

Other Warriors: ... *glance at Cinder*

Cinder: ...why are you guys looking at me like that?

(Simultaneously, the Warriors toss Cinder out of their little group and onto the ground next to Wily.)

Wily: Well well, looks like we got a volunteer!

Cinder: What!? But, but-

Starnik: Nice of you to take up his offer!

Cinder: But I didn’t-

Shadowstrike: Hope you have fun with the cleanup!

(The Warriors begin to walk away into the woods.)

Cinder: But guys-

Naoshi: Bye bye now!

Cinder: Oh come on!

Iga: *turns to Darksage* Who was that guy?

Darksage: Beats me.

Cinder: I HATE YOU ALL.

(The remaining Warriors walk off into the forest. Following the trail of destruction left by the mysterious mecha, they seek to discover whom or what had tried to kill them.)

Iga: Shouldn’t we have seen or heard something by now?

Shadowstrike: We might if we hadn’t wasted thirty minutes listening to Wily bitch about his wall. Lousy prick.

Ben: Amen to that. So leader boy, how much longer?

Starnik: No idea, but it shouldn’t be long. We’ll be back by breakfast time!

Narrator: Two weeks later...

(Somewhere in Vermont, the Warriors are still walking through the woods, their bodies hunched over in exhaustion.)

Ben: *groaning* ‘Back... by breakfast,’ huh?

Starnik: Shut up.

Darksage: Aside from the fact that we haven’t found jack so far, can someone explain to me about what the hell Naoshi is doing!?

Cyros: Well, remember when we went through that abandoned amusement park a few days back...

Naoshi: *goes past riding a unicycle* I STOLE THIS FROM A BEAR!

Cyros: ...and there you go.

Darksage: This is not sane.

Cyros: Understatement of the century.

Shadowstrike: That’s it, I had it! I’m going home.

Starnik: Are you crazy!? We already pulled that crap about finding the culprit, and you expect us to just turn around and go home!?

Shadowstrike: Exactly.

Starnik: *thinks* Well, Wily is a bit senile.

Darksage: If by a bit you mean-

Iga: *looks through the tree line* Hey guys! I think I found something!

Starnik: *pauses* Huh?

Shadowstrike: Move over, timber man.

Iga: Uh, that’s Woodman.

Shadowstrike: You say “po-tay-toe,” I say “shut your face.”

(The Warriors gather around Iga and look where his gaze is. To their surprise, they find a compound build around the base of a large mountain. Several dozen human sentries are patrolling the area.)

Starnik: Well I’ll be damned.

Cyros: I think we’ve found out where our would-be assassin is hiding out.

Darksage: So, now what do we do?

Ben: I saw we storm the base and kill everyone.

Iga: Ben, that’s your solution to almost everything.

Ben: And we start with log boy over here.

Iga: Epp!

Cyros: Hey, could we for once take a look at what we’re up against before we go and try killing ourselves?

Ben: Don’t you tell me what to do, ass wipe!

Starnik: Actually, he’s got a point. ‘Sage, binoculars please.

Darksage: Here you go. *hands them over*

Starnik: *looks at the base* Whoa, they got some pretty nice security down there.

Naoshi: Hey, I wanna see!

Starnik: *shoves Naoshi away* Anti-aircraft missiles, Vulcan turrets... this looks a lot like military hardware.

Cyros: I’m not surprised. Military types like to build bases in the middle of nowhere in mountains and junk. *thinks* But why would the military come after us?

Darksage: Yeah. I mean, we do work for Wily, but when’s the last time we pissed of the United States government?

Ben: Ahem.

Darksage: I meant besides Ben, of course.

Ben: Damn straight.

Starnik: It looks like they got everything except a sniper out their. Huh, that seems a bit odd-

KEH-PANG!

Iga: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Cyros: *covers Iga’s mouth* Shut up you idiot!

Iga: Mmm! MMM!

Shadowstrike: What’s up with him?

Iga: *removes Cyros’ hand* I’ve been shot!

Shadowstrike: Shot? *looks up and down* I don’t see any wound.

Iga: In the chest! In the chest! Fatal wound, man!

Starnik: Eh, Iga, buddy, you’re covered with petrified wood. I don’t think one bullet is going to kill you.

Iga: ...um, well, it’s in pretty deep.

Cyros: Let me see that.

*Cyros takes out the bullet with a pair of tweezers and examines it*

Cyros: Wait a minute, this isn’t a sniper round.

Starnik: Didn’t I just say there were no snipers?

Cyros: Well I didn’t say it wasn’t armor piercing. *looks closely* But it looks like a revolver bullet!

Darksage: Since when do revolvers use armor piercing rounds?

KEH-PANG!

Shadowstrike: Ouch! *bounces up and down* My foot!

Starnik: What the? *looks through binoculars* Who the hell is shooting at-

(Another KEH-PANG occurs as Starnik’s binoculars are shot right out of his hand.)

Starnik: Okay, new plan. HIDE!

(Several more shots are fired as the Warriors scramble for cover. From behind a rock formation they gather their wits.)

Darksage: Okay, how many shots was that?

Cyros: I counted eleven.

Shadowstrike: But revolvers only carry six shots!

Darksage: The shooter must have two of 'em.

Naoshi: Heh, I didn’t get shot onc-

(A final KEH-PANG is heard as a bullet bounces off a nearby rock and into Naoshi’s eye.)

Naoshi: *clutches head* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Warriors: Shut up!

Naoshi: *sniffs* That hurt me...

Shadowstrike: Well I’m not complaining.

Naoshi: You’re mean.

Shadowstrike: And you’re just figuring this out NOW?

Starnik: People, people, settle down.

Darksage: What for?

Cyros: Uh oh, I know that look...

Starnik: Gentlemen, I have a cunning plan...

Cyros: Yep, I knew it.

Ben: Hey, what happened to storming the base!?

Darksage: Have you forgotten the tight defenses PLUS the sharp shooter with armor piercing rounds waiting for us?

Ben: Feh, like their primative weapons can get through MY armor.

(As if to prove a point, another KEH-PANG occurs and Ben suddenly feels a bullet slam through his box-like body.)

Ben: SON OF A BITCH!

Iga: I guess he reloaded.

Ben: *glares at Iga* Grr...

Iga: Um... *edges away from Ben* So boss man, what’s the plan?

(Several minutes later...)

Darksage: A SEWER!? You mean we have to get inside the base through the SEWERS!?

Starnik: Yep. Genius, isn’t it?

Warriors: ...

Starnik: What?

Ben: You have something, but genius it ain’t.

Starnik: Ah shaddup.

Shadowstrike: It’s times like these I’m glad I don’t have a nose.

Iga: Me too.

Naoshi: Me three!

Shadowstrike: No, you have a nose.

Naoshi: I do?

Iga: Yes, underneath your mouth guard.

Naoshi: ...I have a mouth guard?

Shadowstrike: Let’s move on.

Cyros: So... *looks down the sewer* Might as well get this over with.

Ben: Yeah yeah, stand back. *melts the grating*

Naoshi: Eww... it’s all nasty.

Shadowstrike: Now I’m glad Wily installed that power ring in me.

Ben: He did WHAT!?

Shadowstrike: Heh heh, yoink! *flies down the sewer tunnel*

Starnik: Yeah, I’ll be up ahead of you guys. *runs on the sewer water*

Darksage: *looks at the water* Ick. I’m not wading through that.

Iga: Maybe we can float up the pipe with something.

Ben: Hmm... *looks at Iga*

Iga: Ben? Why are you looking at me like that?

Ben: ... *pushes Iga into the sewer entrance*

Iga: ACK! Oh god, it’s in my mouth!

Ben: *climbs onto Iga’s back* Alright you peons, paddle!

Darksage: Why not have Naoshi kick his feet as a motor?

Ben: ...I like it. Degrading yet satisfying.

Cyros: You heard the zippo, Naoshi. Get going.

Naoshi: Aww... *hops in behind Iga and begins paddling* Kick my feet, kick my feet, kick my feet...

(Ben, Cyros and Darksage ride on top of Iga up into the sewer system. Eventually they run into Starnik and Shadowstrike.)

Shadowstrike: Hello, ladies. Excuse me, I mean lady.

Cyros: Bite me. Make fun of Naoshi, he was the propeller.

Shadowstrike: Too easy.

(Iga kicks everyone off his back and begins coughing violently.)

Iga: Oh god, oh god... Urp! I’m gonna throw up...

Ben: Come on, it was only a little sewer water.

Iga: “A LITTLE!?”

Starnik: Shh! Quiet down! We don’t want them to hear us.

Darksage: I really doubt they’d be able to hear us all the way down here.

Guard’s Voice: I think heard something!

Darksage: ...then again.

Cyros: Quick, hide!

Shadowstrike: Hide where, genius?

Cyros: Um...

(The Warriors look around and spot some discarded cardboard boxes.)

Shadowstrike: ...you’re joking, right?

(A few minutes later...)

Guard 1: See anything?

Guard 2: Nope. Are you sure you heard something?

Guard 1: I think so...

Guard 2: You’ve been listening to your iPod too loud, that’s what. Makes you hear things that aren’t there!

Guard 1: But it’s got awesome songs! Check out my play list!

Guard 2: *looks* Hey, you’re right! This is an awesome-

CRACK-CRACK!

(Both guards fall unconscious. From the nearby shadows comes Starnik holding a two-by-four.)

Starnik: Well, that was effective. Guys, you can come out now!

(The other Warriors climb out from under several cardboard boxes.)

Shadowstrike: Okay, I still can’t believe that worked.

Cyros: Let that be a lesson to you. Never underestimate the power of a cardboard box.

Shadowstrike: Just... stop talking.

Ben: Let’s just get inside the damn base already!

Starnik: Alright already, sheesh! It’s just up this ladder.

(One by one the Warriors make their way up the ladder. A while later, they all find themselves in a darkened storeroom and ponder the situation.)

Naoshi: Awright! Rations!

Cyros: Don’t bother. Military rations taste like crap.

Naoshi: *munching on some month old jerky* Huh?

Cyros: Ne- *sighs* nevermind.

Darksage: Alright Quick, what’s the plan?

Starnik: Well, I guess a map of the place would help-

Iga: Found it. *places it on a nearby card table*

Starnik: Okay then. *studies the map* Hmm...

Shadowstrike: Well? Find anything?

Starnik: Call it a hunch, but this big square thing looks suspicious.

Cyros: ...to mean the large room that is clearly labeled ‘Hanger?’

Starnik: Yeah, that’s... it... uh...

Warriors: *snicker*

Starnik: Oh be quiet. Ben, why don’t you take a gander at this hanger?

Ben: Now that’s the smartest choice you’ve made all day.

Starnik: Iga, you backup Ben.

Iga: Okay. ...wait, backup?

Starnik: Oh, did I say that? I mean make sure he doesn’t get carried away.

Iga: Uh...

(Iga glances at Ben, who returns the glance with a wicked smile.)

Iga: I think I need to pray.

Starnik: Anyway, Cyros, you go check out the ventilation system. And take Naoshi with you.

Cyros: Oh come on! I have to hang out with him?

Naoshi: Yay! *hugs Cyros* We’re gonna have fun!

Cyros: *twitches* Let go of me...

Starnik: And the rest of us will go... *places finger on the map* HERE!

Darksage: *looks* Um... ‘Execution Chamber?’

Starnik: Oh, um, I mean here! *places finger elsewhere on the map*

Shadowstrike: ‘Scrap Metal Disposal.’

Starnik: Erm, well...

*Darksage gently guides Starnik’s finger so that is rest on a room marked ‘Master Control Chamber’*

Starnik: Ah, just what I was looking for.

Darksage and Shadowstrike: Right...

Starnik: Anyway, you guys know where to go. Get moving!

Ben: You know, I liked it better when you didn’t really care to lead.

Starnik: Times change, zippo.

Ben: ...come on Woody, I have grunts to kill.

Iga: *laughs nervously and follows*

(The rest of the Warriors also go off to do their tasks. We soon find Cyros and Naoshi sneaking through the ventilation shafts.)

Naoshi: This place is cramped!

Cyros: Shh! Be quiet!

Naoshi: No, I have a lot to say. And this place is cramped!

Cyros: ...come here for a minute.

Naoshi: Uh, what are you-

(Cyros opens a panel on Naoshi’s head and snaps a wire.)

Cyros: *slams it shut* There.

Naoshi: ! ? ... !!!

Cyros: Yes, I did turn off your voice. Now keep moving!

Naoshi: ... *crawls after Cyros*

(Elsewhere in the facility...)

Guards: Run away! Run away!

Ben: *launches fireballs* If you can't stand the @!#$ heat, get out of my @!#$ way!

Guards: *catch on fire* AHH!!!

Iga: Um, Ben? Aren’t we suppose to be, you know... sneaking?

Ben: And where’s the fun with that?

Iga: Well...

(Ben lights several more guards on fire.)

Ben: Bwah ha ha ha ha, burn, BURN!!!

Iga: Well, when in Rome... *fires a Leaf Shield at a guard*

Guard 3: Leaves? Oh man, this guys shoots leaves- *is punctured* BLARGH!

Iga: *sigh* I think I should be reacting more to this, but I’m not.

Ben: Then you’re missing half the fun. *launches more fireballs*

Guards: AHH!!!

Guard 4: Why hasn’t someone pulled the alarm yet!?

Iga: Uh oh! *fires more leaves, killing the rest of the guards*

Ben: Hey, stop stealing my kills!

Iga: Uh, sorry... there’ll be more though, right?

Guard 5: *walks by* Hey, I thought I heard- ! INTRUDERS!

Iga: Ahh! *fires a leaf out of reflex*

Guard 5: Blargh! *dies*

Ben: What did I just say!?

Iga: Sorry, sorry!

(Getting back to our spies in the ventilation system...)

Cyros: Wait a minute. I think we’re over the mess hall.

Naoshi: *gestures*

Cyros: Look, just stay put for a moment.

(Cyros peeks out the air vent and spots several soldiers below. Among them is the gunslinger from before, twirling one of his revolvers around.)

Ocelot: Now tell me... which one of you was assigned to deal with Wily’s robot masters?

Soldier 1: *steps forward* I was, sir.

Ocelot: Ah, yes... I remember you. You showed great skill in piloting RAY in training. A bit trigger happy too, if I must say so.

Cyros: *thinking* RAY?

Soldier 1: T-thank you sir.

Ocelot: And I trust your mission went without fault?

Soldier 1: Of course, sir. I was sure to blast away the entire section of the base they were in. Dr. Wily was not harmed.

Ocelot: *turns his back to him* Then tell me, soldier... why is it that I saw them spying on our facility a half hour ago?

Soldier 1: *pales* Uh... sir, I-

(Ocelot turns, aims his revolver and sends a normal revolver round through the man’s head.)

Ocelot: Lesson learned, I hope... *motions to some guards* Dispose of our friend here.

Soldiers: Sir. *drag the body away*

Cyros and Naoshi: *cringe*

Ocelot: Hmm? *places a hand on his ear* Ocelot here.

Mysterious Man: Ocelot, get down here at once. We have uninvited guests coming this way.

Ocelot: On my way. *turns to the soldiers* The rest of you, get to the Metal Gear hanger. Use armor piercing and heavy weaponry at all times, understood?

Soldiers: Yes sir!

(Ocelot walks off as the soldiers scramble for combat. Cyros and Naoshi look away and continue down the vents.)

Cyros: Stay close and follow me, we have to get to the control center before that guy gets the drop on the others!

Naoshi: *shrugs in confusion*

Cyros: *sighs* We gotta beat Cowboy Man in a race.

Naoshi: *smiles*

Cyros: Note to self. Protest to give Naoshi the intelligence of at LEAST a middle schooler.

(The remaining three Warriors [Starnik, Darksage and Shadowstrike] having used stealth techniques and great espionage tactics- yeah, they really just walked the whole way to the control room.)

Shadowstrike: This is seriously one messed up military facility.

Starnik: Hey, I’m not complaining.

Darksage: So... *arms Crash Bombs* Shall we do this?

Starnik: Yes, let’s.

(Starnik kicks open the doors and runs inside.)

Starnik: Alright, nobody- move?

(Surprisingly, the control room is empty... save for a single figure in the shadows.)

Mysterious Man: Ah, Warriors! Welcome to my humble little base of operations.

Darksage: Spill the beans, old man. Why’d you try to ice us?

Mysterious Man: What’s all this? No, ‘who are you anyway?’ I’m hurt.

Shadowstrike: Yeah, like we care.

Mysterious Man: Well, let me show you. *steps into the light*

Starnik, Darksage, Shadowstrike: GASP!

Mysterious Man: Now do you know who I am?

Starnik: ...actually, no.

Shadowstrike: Nope.

Mysterious Man: What!? Are you kidding me!? Don’t you people watch football!?

Starnik: Nope.

Shadowstrike: I don’t like football.

Mysterious Man: For the love of... you, handless guy! You have any idea who I am?

Darksage: *stares blankly* Bill Belicheck!?

Bill Belicheck: *throws hands up* Thank god! Somebody who seriously pays attention to the NFL!

Darksage: But... you... I... what the heck?

Starnik: I think what my friend here is trying to say is, what the heck are you doing here?

Bill Belicheck: *laughs* I’m glad you asked... shall we explain it to them, Ocelot?

Shadowstrike: ‘Ocelot?’

(The sound of a gun hammer being pulled back is heard and Ocelot has his gun pointed directly in back of Starnik’s head.)

Starnik: What the-

Ocelot: One wrong move and an armor piercing slug goes right through your metal skull.

Starnik: *gulps*

Ocelot: By the way sir... I’ve received reports that two of their friends have made their way to the Metal Gear hanger.

Bill Belicheck: I trust they’ll have a surprise waiting for them?

Ocelot: *chuckles* Of course.

(Elsewhere, Ben and Iga make their way to the hanger doors after killing off a few more grunts.)

Iga: Well, we made it.

Ben: Piece of cake. *charges up his Atomic Fire* Stand back!

Iga: Whoa!

(Ben launches a giant sphere of fire that blows the door apart.)

Ben: After you.

Iga: ...yeah, could you go first instead?

Ben: Pansy. *steps through, followed by Iga* See? Perfectly-

Soldier: There they are! All units, FIRE!

Ben, Iga: HOLY-

BAM! BAM! BAM! *KABOOM!* *SMASH!* RATATATATATA!

(Back in the main control room, everyone listens to the carnage through the radio speaker.)

Bill Belicheck: That’ll be all. *turns speaker off* Now, where were we?

Starnik: Uh... you were just about to have this guy move his gun away from my head?

Ocelot: *nudges* Heh, nice try.

Darksage: Okay, I am confused. Why are you, the head coach of the New England Patriots, running some kind of secret base?

Bill Belicheck: *laughs* Why? It’s simple. I’m taking back this country, for the Patriots!

Darksage: ...what?

Shadowstrike: Don’t look at me; I don’t know how these football teams work.

Bill Belicheck: Not my Patriots! THE Patriots!

Darksage and Shadowstrike: ... *turn to Starnik*

Starnik: Don’t look at me, I have a gun to me head!

Bill Belicheck: Alright, seeing as we’re going to kill you anyway, I’ll explain. Up until the 1970’s, the country as you know it was a sham. The country was not controlled by the three branches and the President. Instead, a sort of... consciousness, an ideal, was responsible for preserving the United States, keeping the citizens in line. They were the true Patriots!

Starnik: Wait a minute, an ideal can’t-

Ocelot: *clicks his revolver*

Starnik: Erm, I mean, continue.

Bill Belicheck: After both World Wars and with the beginning of the Cold War, we had the opportunity to assert our control over the masses once and for. And everything was going find an dandy; we even we able to get plans for a mobile nuclear weapon’s platform from the Russians, thanks to Ocelot here.

Ocelot: Ah, good times.

Bill Belicheck: And you know what happened then? NIXON!

Darksage: Nixon? The Watergate scandal?

Bill Belicheck: Exactly! Originally it was our plan to get rid of him, because he was a liability. But that crafty son of a gun turned it all on us! We lost our funds, and our seat of power! Decades of work, ruined!

Shadowstrike: Sucks to be you. So, how do you fit the NFL into all of this?

Bill Belicheck: Isn’t it obvious? To take back control of the country, we need resources. We need funding up the wazoo! So we reformed our ideal behind the scenes one the America’s pastimes; football!

Darksage: Holy crap, that actually sounds like it works!

Bill Belicheck: It does!

Starnik: Well, eh heh, why target us then?

Bill Belicheck: Simple; if we take over now, you damned robots will just kick us out again! This was a preemptive strike against you, all of you! And we’ll do it again if we have too!

Darksage: But-

Bill Belicheck: No buts! I’m done explaining! Ocelot, take them out!

Ocelot: With pleasure, sir-

(Suddenly, the base rumbles with a large explosion from afar.)

Bill Belicheck: What the heck was that!?

Darksage: Do you hear something creaking?

(The ceiling above breaks apart and two figures end up falling down.)

Naoshi: *flails in terror*

Cyros: Look out!

Ocelot: *turns toward the two* What the-

(Starnik takes advantage of the distraction and moves out of Ocelot’s way. Naoshi and Cyros land on top of the gunslinger, pinning him.)

Naoshi: Ouch! That hurt! Hey, my voice is back!

Ocelot: Get the hell off of me! *fires his revolver*

Naoshi: *is hit in his remaining eye* AHH!!! I’M BLINDED!!!

(Naoshi flails helplessly and fires Metal Blades everywhere.)

Cyros: Oww!

Starnik: *dodges* Hey!

Shadowstrike:*ducks* Watch it, dumbass!

Bill Belicheck: Ahh! *runs*

Darksage: He’s getting away- OUCH!

Naoshi: I CAN’T SEE!!!

(Naoshi launches a final Metal Blade which severs Ocelot’s hand and several inches of his forearm.)

Ocelot: What!? *clutches stump* My hand!!!

Shadowstrike: Holy crap, Naoshi actually did something right for once.

Ocelot: *grasps his severed hand and stumbles away* You’ll all pay for this!

(Ocelot runs toward the entrance, only to get a face full of door, courteously of Iga.)

Iga: We have to leave, right now! *sees Ocelot* Who’s this guy?

Starnik: Nevermind, just explain to me what happened to you and Ben?

Iga: Oh, well, we got ambushed, Ben went crazy, then took control of the giant robot-

Starnik: Ben? Giant robot? Control? *pales* Uh oh.

(The base rocks from the fury of several large explosions. Pieces of the ceiling fall all over the place.)

Cyros: This place is coming down!

Darksage: Run for it!

Naoshi: Running time! *runs right into a wall* Ouch! Stupid blindness!

Iga: *grabs Naoshi* We gotta move, right now!

Shadowstrike: Then start running!

(The Warrior run through the base and eventually make it to the main entrance. Everything is in ruins and several soldiers are running for their lives.)

Soldier: Keep moving! We gotta make it!

(A mechanical roar is heard and several soldiers close by are blasted away by a missile.)

Shadowstrike: Damn that was close!

Darksage: Head for the gates!

Guard 6: I see them! *aims a Vulcan turret and fires*

Starnik: Incoming! *dives away from the stream of bullets*

Guard 6: Stand still you son of a- AUGH!

(Guard 6 falls lifeless as he is shredded by a stream of bullets.)

Cyros: Ben is really outdoing himself this time!

Iga: Yeah, I mean, he did all this in what, fifteen minutes?

Naoshi: I still can’t see a thing! Stupid blindness!

Starnik: There's the gate! Let’s get outta here!

(The Warriors exit the compound just as Ben emerges from the mountainside in Metal Gear RAY.)

RAY: KE-ROAR!!!

Ben: *loudspeaker* HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, BITCHES!?

Darksage: *stops by a rock* Now what?

Cyros: I guess we just watch.

Iga: Sounds good enough for me.

(The Warriors wait in the tree line as Ben takes care of the rest of the soldiers. Once the carnage is complete, he walks up to his teammates in RAY.)

Ben: *loudspeaker* Best rampage ever!

Starnik: Yes... of course.

Shadowstrike: Wait a minute, someone’s getting away!

(Shadowstrike points toward the mountainside where a helicopter is escaping from a hidden hanger.)

Bill Belicheck: *through a megaphone* I’ll get you next time, rust buckets! You can’t stop the Patriots that easily!

Ben: *loudspeaker* Is that so!? Eat this meatsack!

(RAY attempts to fire it’s arsenal of missiles and bullets, but all that occurs is clicking.)

Ben: *loudspeaker* What the? *reads HUD* Out of ammo!?

Bill Belicheck: *through a megaphone* Nice try, zippo! Hahaha!

Ben: *loudspeaker* Oh, you are dead! Dead, you hear!?

(Ben leads RAY away from the ruined base and to a nearby lake.)

Darksage: What the heck is he doing?

Iga: Maybe he’s going to wash off his new toy?

Cyros: No, look!

(RAY dives its head into the lake and takes in several hundred gallons of water.)

Iga: It’s taking a drink?

Bill Belicheck: *confused* It’s taking a drink? Oh sh-

(Snapping its head up, RAY unleashes a stream of compressed water that slices through the rear tail of the helicopter.)

Bill Belicheck: Ahh! We’re gonna crash!!!

(Bill’s copter spins out of a control and out of sight. Moments later, an explosion occurs and a plume of smoke appears.)

Ben: *climbs out of the cockpit* Yeah! Nobody messes with Heatman! Booyah!

Darksage: Dude!!!

Ben: What?

Darksage: You just killed Bill Belicheck!

Ben: ...and?

Darksage: He was the head coach of the New England Patriots!

Ben: ...and?

Darksage: *sighs* So much for those bets.

Starnik: Well Ben, you fought your way through an enemy base, killed countless humans, hijacked a giant mechanical battle platform and shot down the coach of a successful NFL team. Now what are you going to do?

Ben: ...well Starnik, I’m going to Disneyworld!

Starnik: Okay then- wait, what?

Ben: Yes, you heard me. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!

RAY: KE-ROAR!!!

(Ben reenters RAY and walks off into the distance.)

Naoshi: YAY DISNEY!

Shadowstrike: *grabs Naoshi and tosses him to the ground* Shut- *jumps on him* up!

Naoshi: Oww!

Cyros: Starnik... what did he mean?

Starnik: Knowing Ben, nothing good.

(The next day, back in the newly repaired rec room of Wily’s castle...)

Newscaster: -and the notorious robot master Heatman continues his rampage throughout Disneyworld, as seen by these shocking amateur videos.

(The Warriors look on as Metal Gear RAY smashes through several rides and resorts.)

Starnik: Why can’t I help but not be surprised?

Cyros: I do recall you saying you know Ben.

Starnik: That I did. That, I did.

Newscaster: As usual, the military is mobilizing and praying that they’ll survive will minimal casualties. In other news, the coach of the New England Patriots, Bill Belicheck, was found battered but alive after a helicopter crash in the mountains of Vermont yesterday-

Warriors: Huh? *listen in*

Newscaster: When question for comments on what happened, however, he responded incoherently, possibly a side effect from the crash. His ramblings of “robots”, “rays” and “la-li-lu-le-lo” have baffled official thus far. He is current undergoing therapy in a psychiatric hospital in Albany, New York, and a temporary replacement coach for the Patriots is due to be announced by the end of the week. Speaking of the Patriots, tonight on sports-

Starnik: *turns off TV* Wow, he actually lived through that.

Iga: But now he’s crazy. Heh, funny.

Darksage: Not really. Sure, he turned out to be part of shadowy organization planning to overthrow the government, but he was still an awesome coach. This is seriously going to hurt my book keeping for the NFL lineup.

Shadowstrike: Like we could care less.

Naoshi: I’m just glad I can see again. *rubs his eyes* Nice, shiny new- *pokes them out* Oww!

Shadowstrike: Idiot.

Iga: I can’t help but feel we forget something.

Cinder: *appears* Something like what?

Iga: Who said that?

Cinder: Oh for the love of-

Cyros: Wait a minute, what ever happened to that guy with the revolvers?

Starnik: You mean Ocelot? Probably dead; he was unconscious when the base brunt down. *leans back* I’m sure we’ll never see him again.

(In an undisclosed location...)

*BLEEP-BLEEP!*

Ocelot: *activates Codec* Ocelot here.

????: Ocelot, it’s good to hear your voice again.

Ocelot: Sir... It’s good to hear from you again as well.

????: I trust you’ve already seen the news?

Ocelot: Yes... Mr. Belicheck has been taken care of. Not dead, of course, but he won’t be interfering with us anytime soon.

????: And the robots?

Ocelot: Still alive, sir... one of them got lucky and took off my arm.

????: Again? You have bad luck with losing arms.

Ocelot: The false information we entrusted Belicheck, however, was conveyed. That will keep them off our trail... for now.

????: Excellent work, Ocelot.

Ocelot: Now what do we do?

????: We wait. You stay on guard until we’re ready to make our move. We have reports of unrest in both the political spectrum and in the anti-mechanoid community. We’ll get our chance to act soon enough.

Ocelot: Excellent. I think I’ll take a little vacation to Moscow, meet up a few old friends. You’ll know how to contact me.

????: As always. You were always a fine agent, Revolver Ocelot. Don’t disappoint me.

Ocelot: I wouldn’t even think of it... Solidus Snake.

[THE END... OR IS IT?]