- Episode 11 - Great White North, Part 1
by Heat Man
Starnik as Quick Man
Tails28 as Crash Man
Ben as Heat Man
Johnny "Toasta" as Flash Man
ShadowBlade as Bubble Man
Life Virus "Pointy" as Metal Man
Pharon as Air Man
Koala as Wood Man
Gloria: Good Evening this is KABM 4 news at six. Topping our news tonight, the Wily Warrior known as Heat Man has finally been deported back to his home country of Canada.
Vic: Yesterday Heat Man broke
into the White House, violently beaten several Secret Service agents,
gave the president a wedgie and hung him on a flagpole. Too add insult
to injury he stole the President’s limo and did a donut on the White
house lawn before fleeing back to Megalopolis.
Gloria: In a raid earlier this
morning Heat Man was arrested and without trial deported. I say good
riddance I was tiring of him going though my garbage.
Vic: That wasn’t him, it was me!
Vic: I have also been peeping on
you while you’re in the shower.
Gloria: (Growls) In other news I
have decided to renew my restraining order against Vic Nightshade. Now
to check on the stock market with out financial correspondent Chief
(Changes the channel) What rubbish… if you guys hurry up with the
cleaning you’ll be able to watch Adult Swim with me.
(Using the Vacuum) You know if you actually helped us clean up after
the raid we’d be done by now.
Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Shut up and get me another glass of lemonade.
(Grumbles and walks off to the kitchen)
Pointy: No! My dust bunnies! They killed
(Pointy’s now unconscious and
sprawled on the floor)
Flash: (Holding a two by four) Will you
shut your frickin’ trap about those stupid dust bunnies?!
(Grumbles as he hands Starnik his drink) Ya know we really should bring
Ben back from Canada.
(Spit take) Are you crazy?! Do you know how many times that little
psycho has tried to kill us.
Actually he’s never tried to kill me, we have a history!
Flash: Tell it to someone who… (Gets
harpooned in the leg) YEOW!
Suck it up ya sissy!
Guys, guys! Let’s not fight. Ben’s our teammate and despite several
attempt on our lives he’s our friend.
Koala: Some friend! He tried to smother
me in my sleep!
You see he’ll only try to kill us if we bring him back! Besides I bet
he’s happier in his home land.
(Reading a travel guide) Hey if we go Air Canada to Toronto we get
quadruple air points.
Quadruple air points? Okay boys pack your bags we’re going to Toronto!
But I thought…
QUIET! Quadruple… Air… Points…
I want to see the CN Tower!
Koala: I wanna go taunt some beavers!
I hope Murray won’t mind travelling coach.
(And so after an exhaustive flight to Toronto… the Warriors wearily walk into the Terminal.)
Flash: Oi… That flight was torture!
I’ve never seen such shoddy service.
Koala: The flight attendant tried to
smother me with a pillow.
Kinda reminds you of Ben doesn’t she?
Koala: Shut up!
According to the travel guide the flight attendants on Air Canada
haven’t been paid in three years and they’re usually grouchy. Guess
that’s why people use West Jet now…
Oh by the way hasn’t anyone seen Pharon lately?
Hey look! (Pushes a Canadian down)
Canadian: Oh sorry eh. (Gets up)
(Pushes him down again) I push him down and he apologizes to me!
Canadian: My mistake. (Gets up)
Koala: Oh cool! I wanna try that!
(Pushes down a random Canadian)
Do you know who that was?!
Koala: Uh... no.
(Chainsaw revs up)
That was a lumberjack!
Koala: (Screams and runs away)
Lumberjack: (Waving chainsaw
around like a madman) C’mere you little hoser!
Warriors: (Sweat Drop)
How could a country with nice and polite people spawn a short-tempered
psycho like Ben?
Maybe he’s adopted.
???: Wilys Warriors! Thank
goodness you’ve come.
Who’s this guy?
???: I’m the Prime Minister of
Canada. I assume you’re here to save us from our psychotic scion.
Actually we’re here on… (Crash stuffs his mouth with a donut) UMPH!
Glad to be of service sir.
PM: How did you do that with
those drills for hands? o_o; Nevermind, I can pay you for your services.
Flash: Shut up!
Pointy: Bitter! *TWHACK!* (Knocked
PM: Will you accept Canadian?
What?! That stuff’s worthless!
PM: How about gold then?
Then we got ourselves a deal!
So why are you so eager to get rid of Ben anyway?
Murray: (Growls in agreement)
PM: Well Ben is the embodiment
of the collective pent up rage we Canadians accumulate for being so
nice and polite to everyone. Especially the Americans, that’s why we
exiled him in the first place.
and Pharon: Exile?!
PM: Yes if Ben stays in Canada
for extended periods the psyche of the country will go from friendly to
Flash: So do you know where Ben is? Can
we get some help from the army?
PM: This is Canada! We have the
worst intelligence agency this side of the CIA and our army’s stretched
enough as is!
Don’t you have anything that could help us?
PM: Well there is the chair of
the Relocation of Psychotic Robots Committee. Come out Mr. Chairman!
Warriors: 0_0 Pyro?!
Since when did you become involved in Canadian Politics?!
I ran as an independent for the Lethbridge constituency.
PM: Ah I see you’re already
acquainted with each other. I have a meeting so you can brief them Mr. Pyro. (Walks off)
Okay, Let’s go look for Ben.
Starnik… WE DON’T HAVE A CLUE WHERE TO LOOK FOR HIM!
Pyro: I do.
I know where Ben has been in his previous visits to Canada.
Flash: I thought the Prime Minister said
you had sucky intelligence.
>.> <.< >.> Right…
Well we have to split up so we’ll cover more ground.
ShadowBlade and Murray you’re with me.
Toasta, you’re with Pointy/ Whenever he regains consciousness.
Flash: Yeah, stick me with the psycho.
Koala: (Pants as he runs back) When
Canada needs saving…
You can always depend on…
and Pharon: The Marsupial Brothers!
Right… and Crash you go with Pyro.
(Pyro hands each team a folder)
Well… Warriors away!
Narrator: Bah, what rubbish.
(Pulls out the remote) let’s see what else is on.
Hiya! Welcome to the show. Big week up here at Possum Lodge today’s the
day of the boat races well it’s was supposed to be…
(Harold barges in)
Harold: Hey Uncle Red! Guess what? Guess
what? There’s a crocodile in Possum Lake!
Red: I know
Harold: I didn’t know crocodiles could live
in possum lake since their native to…
Harold: What is it Uncle Red?
Red: I know
there’s a crocodile in Possum Lake. Buster Hadfield and Oldman
Sedgewick were fishing in possum lake when the crocodile bit off Oldman
Segdewick’s prosthetic leg.
Harold: Oh my.
Red: Well our
wildfire expert Ed Frid’s on the case so the situation is well in hand.
Harold: Is it me or do I hear screaming?
(Ed Frid runs past scream at the
top of his lungs)
Ed: Good lord!
He’s gonna eat meeeeeeeeee…
Harold: Well in hand eh? Uncle Red?
(Crocodile bursts through the
door and growls loudly)
Harold: (Screams like a sissy and clings to
Red) AHHHHHHH! The crocodile is gonna eat us!
Murray! What did I tell you about being a tourist?
(Walks in) Ah, sorry for the trouble.
Murray’s really harmless right Murray?
Anyhoo we’re wondering if you’ve seen…
Red: Hold it
right there, we’re taping here and have to move to the next segment and
Harold: The Possum Lodge Word Game…
Red: I knew
that, so who’s our guest…
Harold: Ed Frid.
Red: Great we
have no guest…
Actually I think we can help.
Dalton: It’s time for the Possum Lodge Word
Dalton: Today our contestant Red Green is
playing for a PlayStation 2 from Heat Man himself…
Serves him right for reprogramming my Gamecube into a sentient killer.
Dalton: Right… he has thirty seconds to say
(Red covers his ears)
Dalton: Heat Man… (softly) Heat Man…
Dalton: And go! (Red uncovers his ears)
A short thug…
Red: Uh… Mike
No no no, he’s an evil psychotic genius.
Red: Uh, I’m
tempted to say Harold but he’s not evil nor psychotic.
He’s a guy who drinks to excess...
Blankly) You just described every married man in Possum Lake.
Dalton: Uh you’re almost out of time Starnik.
Hmmm… he’s short, looks like a zippo and has a foul temper.
Red: Oh you
mean Heat Man.
Bingo have you seen him lately?
Red: Uh he
was here for the Possum Lake drinking contest about nine months ago. He
came in second place.
Oh who won first?
Dalton: Oh I did, Anne Marie yelled at me the
day before so I wanted to dull the pain.
Red: Heh, you
remember when he lit your hair on fire.
Dalton: (Laughs) Boy he wasn’t impressed!
Let’s back away slowly.
Narrator: Meanwhile in the
harbor city of Halifax, the Koala come to their first obstacle in their
quest to find their missing teammate as they come to a bar…
Are you sure Ben would be here?
Koala: Remember, this is Ben the
drunkard who burns down orphanages… remember when he last came home
My chassis is still charred.
The two walk into the bar, the roaring crowd suddenly falls silent.
Barkeep! Two of your finest beers!
Barkeep: You’re 18 eh?
Koala: No. But we’re American so give us
Barkeep: Eh? They’ll take my
liquor license for this but what the hey eh? (Slides a couple of beers)
Koala: Thank you.
(The two brother take a chug and
then… they spit it out)
Cripes! What is this crap?!
Patron: Crap? Crap?! That’s th’
pride of Nova Scotia!
(Koala and Pharon turn their
heads and see it’s the Alexander Keith’s Spokesman)
Scotsman: Alexander Keith toiled
for that brew, worked till his knuckles bled. So yu bleedin’ yanks
better give the brew the respect it deserves!
Koala: Hey butt out you raving lunatic!
Yeah, or we’ll kick your butt!
Scotsman: Ha! Ya’ talk big but
Ah’ll kick your pansay asses! (Cracks knuckles)
I’ll blow you away with my air shooter! (Fires up a fierce whirlwind
that blows the Scotsman’s
and Pharon: 0_0 (Cover eyes and cringe)
I did… not need to see that. >_<
Scotsman: What sa matter boys?
Koala: Standards and practices will have
our hides for this…
Scotsman: (Cracks knuckles) Oh
ho ho, they’ve seen nothing yet laddies!
(The screen goes black and
Starnik rushes in)
Because of broadcast standards and practices, you the viewers won’t be
able to see them getting the tar kicked out of them. However you can
hear them scream like sissies; so without further adieu…
Patron 1: Whoa I never knew a
body could be contorted in such a fashion!
Not my capillaries!
Scotsman: Laddy do you know what
your capillaries are?
Well no but… *SNAP!* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Patron 2: That’s got to hurt…!
Patron 1: Raving Scotsman!
Scotsman: Came back for more eh?
Koala: EEEEEEE! Put it out! Put it out!
Scotsman: You look parched! How
about a cold one?
(The image returns to see Koala
unconscious and on fire and Pharon also unconscious with nicks and
cracks in his armor and spilling lubricant all over the hardwood
Scotsman: Ha! Now who’s crap?!
Narrator: Oh no! Quick Man and
Bubble Man still haven’t found their ally! The mighty Koala Brothers
have fallen to drunk and raving Scotsman! What about the other teams?
Will Ben ever be found? Stay tuned for the second part of the Warriors’
adventure in “Great White North!”
Narrator: Now that it's over let's see what else is on... *CLICK!*
Steve Irwin: So if ya grip 'im like this... *CHOMP!* Crickey! Croc's got me ahm!
TO BE CONTINUED!