Wilys Warriors - Episode 11 - Great White North, Part 1
by Heat Man

Gloria: Good Evening this is KABM 4 news at six. Topping our news tonight, the Wily Warrior known as Heat Man has finally been deported back to his home country of Canada.

Vic: Yesterday Heat Man broke into the White House, violently beaten several Secret Service agents, gave the president a wedgie and hung him on a flagpole. Too add insult to injury he stole the President’s limo and did a donut on the White house lawn before fleeing back to Megalopolis.

Gloria: In a raid earlier this morning Heat Man was arrested and without trial deported. I say good riddance I was tiring of him going though my garbage.

Vic: That wasn’t him, it was me!

Gloria: What?!

Vic: I have also been peeping on you while you’re in the shower.

Gloria: (Growls) In other news I have decided to renew my restraining order against Vic Nightshade. Now to check on the stock market with out financial correspondent Chief Many Moons…

Starnik: (Changes the channel) What rubbish… if you guys hurry up with the cleaning you’ll be able to watch Adult Swim with me.

Crash: (Using the Vacuum) You know if you actually helped us clean up after the raid we’d be done by now.

Starnik: Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Shut up and get me another glass of lemonade.

Crash: (Grumbles and walks off to the kitchen)

Pointy: No! My dust bunnies! They killed them all!

*KONK!*

(Pointy’s now unconscious and sprawled on the floor)

Flash: (Holding a two by four) Will you shut your frickin’ trap about those stupid dust bunnies?!

Crash: (Grumbles as he hands Starnik his drink) Ya know we really should bring Ben back from Canada.

Starnik: (Spit take) Are you crazy?! Do you know how many times that little psycho has tried to kill us.

Bubble: Actually he’s never tried to kill me, we have a history!

Flash: Tell it to someone who… (Gets harpooned in the leg) YEOW!

Bubble: Suck it up ya sissy!

Crash: Guys, guys! Let’s not fight. Ben’s our teammate and despite several attempt on our lives he’s our friend.

Koala: Some friend! He tried to smother me in my sleep!

Starnik: You see he’ll only try to kill us if we bring him back! Besides I bet he’s happier in his home land.

Bubble: (Reading a travel guide) Hey if we go Air Canada to Toronto we get quadruple air points.

Starnik: Quadruple air points? Okay boys pack your bags we’re going to Toronto!

Crash: But I thought…

Starnik: QUIET! Quadruple… Air… Points…

Pharon: I want to see the CN Tower!

Koala: I wanna go taunt some beavers!

Bubble: I hope Murray won’t mind travelling coach.
(And so after an exhaustive flight to Toronto… the Warriors wearily walk into the Terminal.)

Flash: Oi… That flight was torture!

Crash: I’ve never seen such shoddy service.

Koala: The flight attendant tried to smother me with a pillow.

Starnik: Kinda reminds you of Ben doesn’t she?

Koala: Shut up!

Bubble: According to the travel guide the flight attendants on Air Canada haven’t been paid in three years and they’re usually grouchy. Guess that’s why people use West Jet now…

Crash: Oh by the way hasn’t anyone seen Pharon lately?

Pharon: Hey look! (Pushes a Canadian down)

Canadian: Oh sorry eh. (Gets up)

Pharon: (Pushes him down again) I push him down and he apologizes to me!

Canadian: My mistake. (Gets up)

Koala: Oh cool! I wanna try that! (Pushes down a random Canadian)

Starnik: You idiot!

Crash: Do you know who that was?!

Koala: Uh... no.

(Chainsaw revs up)

Starnik: That was a lumberjack!

Koala: (Screams and runs away)

Lumberjack: (Waving chainsaw around like a madman) C’mere you little hoser!

Warriors: (Sweat Drop)

Crash: How could a country with nice and polite people spawn a short-tempered psycho like Ben?

Starnik: Maybe he’s adopted.

???: Wilys Warriors! Thank goodness you’ve come.

Pharon: Who’s this guy?

???: I’m the Prime Minister of Canada. I assume you’re here to save us from our psychotic scion.

Starnik: Actually we’re here on… (Crash stuffs his mouth with a donut) UMPH!

Crash: Glad to be of service sir.

PM: How did you do that with those drills for hands? o_o; Nevermind, I can pay you for your services.

Starnik: Pay us?

Flash: Sweet!

Pointy: Salty!

Flash: Shut up!

Pointy: Bitter! *TWHACK!* (Knocked unconscious again)

PM: Will you accept Canadian?

Starnik: What?! That stuff’s worthless!

PM: How about gold then?

Starnik: Then we got ourselves a deal!

Bubble: So why are you so eager to get rid of Ben anyway?

Murray: (Growls in agreement)

PM: Well Ben is the embodiment of the collective pent up rage we Canadians accumulate for being so nice and polite to everyone. Especially the Americans, that’s why we exiled him in the first place.

Koala and Pharon: Exile?!

PM: Yes if Ben stays in Canada for extended periods the psyche of the country will go from friendly to hostile.

Flash: So do you know where Ben is? Can we get some help from the army?

PM: This is Canada! We have the worst intelligence agency this side of the CIA and our army’s stretched enough as is!

Crash: Don’t you have anything that could help us?

PM: Well there is the chair of the Relocation of Psychotic Robots Committee. Come out Mr. Chairman!

Warriors: 0_0 Pyro?!

Bubble: Since when did you become involved in Canadian Politics?!

Pyro: Since I ran as an independent for the Lethbridge constituency.

PM: Ah I see you’re already acquainted with each other. I have a meeting so you can brief them Mr. Pyro. (Walks off)

Starnik: Okay, Let’s go look for Ben.

Crash: Starnik… WE DON’T HAVE A CLUE WHERE TO LOOK FOR HIM!

Pyro: I do. I know where Ben has been in his previous visits to Canada.

Flash: I thought the Prime Minister said you had sucky intelligence.

Pyro: >.> <.< >.> Right…

Crash: Well we have to split up so we’ll cover more ground.

Starnik: ShadowBlade and Murray you’re with me.

Bubble: Um… Okay

Murray: (Grunts)

Starnik: Toasta, you’re with Pointy/ Whenever he regains consciousness.

Flash: Yeah, stick me with the psycho.

Koala: (Pants as he runs back) When Canada needs saving…

Pharon: You can always depend on…

Koala and Pharon: The Marsupial Brothers!

Starnik: Right… and Crash you go with Pyro.

Crash: Gotcha.

(Pyro hands each team a folder)

Starnik: Well… Warriors away!

Narrator: Bah, what rubbish. (Pulls out the remote) let’s see what else is on.

*CLICK!*

Red Green: Hiya! Welcome to the show. Big week up here at Possum Lodge today’s the day of the boat races well it’s was supposed to be…

(Harold barges in)

Harold: Hey Uncle Red! Guess what? Guess what? There’s a crocodile in Possum Lake!

Red: I know Harold.

Harold: I didn’t know crocodiles could live in possum lake since their native to…

Red: Harold!

Harold: What is it Uncle Red?

Red: I know there’s a crocodile in Possum Lake. Buster Hadfield and Oldman Sedgewick were fishing in possum lake when the crocodile bit off Oldman Segdewick’s prosthetic leg.

Harold: Oh my.

Red: Well our wildfire expert Ed Frid’s on the case so the situation is well in hand.

Harold: Is it me or do I hear screaming?

(Ed Frid runs past scream at the top of his lungs)

Ed: Good lord! He’s gonna eat meeeeeeeeee…

Harold: Well in hand eh? Uncle Red?

(Crocodile bursts through the door and growls loudly)

Harold: (Screams like a sissy and clings to Red) AHHHHHHH! The crocodile is gonna eat us!

Red: …can’t …breathe…

Bubble: Murray! What did I tell you about being a tourist?

Murray: (Whines)

Red and Harold: …

Starnik: (Walks in) Ah, sorry for the trouble.

Bubble: Murray’s really harmless right Murray?

Murray: (Nods)

Starnik: Anyhoo we’re wondering if you’ve seen…

Red: Hold it right there, we’re taping here and have to move to the next segment and that is…

Harold: The Possum Lodge Word Game…

Red: I knew that, so who’s our guest…

Harold: Ed Frid.

Red: Great we have no guest…

Starnik: Actually I think we can help.

(And so…)

Dalton: It’s time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

(Audience Cheers)

Dalton: Today our contestant Red Green is playing for a PlayStation 2 from Heat Man himself…

Starnik: Serves him right for reprogramming my Gamecube into a sentient killer.

Dalton: Right… he has thirty seconds to say this word.

(Red covers his ears)

Dalton: Heat Man… (softly) Heat Man…

Starnik: Yeah, yeah…

Dalton: And go! (Red uncovers his ears)

Starnik: A short thug…

Red: Uh… Mike Hammar

Starnik: No no no, he’s an evil psychotic genius.

Red: Uh, I’m tempted to say Harold but he’s not evil nor psychotic.

Starnik: He’s a guy who drinks to excess...

Red: (Stares Blankly) You just described every married man in Possum Lake.

Dalton: Uh you’re almost out of time Starnik.

Starnik: Hmmm… he’s short, looks like a zippo and has a foul temper.

Red: Oh you mean Heat Man.

Starnik: Bingo have you seen him lately?

Red: Uh he was here for the Possum Lake drinking contest about nine months ago. He came in second place.

Bubble: Oh who won first?

Dalton: Oh I did, Anne Marie yelled at me the day before so I wanted to dull the pain.

Red: Heh, you remember when he lit your hair on fire.

Dalton: (Laughs) Boy he wasn’t impressed!

Starnik and Bubble: …

Starnik: Let’s back away slowly.

Bubble: Right….

Narrator: Meanwhile in the harbor city of Halifax, the Koala come to their first obstacle in their quest to find their missing teammate as they come to a bar…

Pharon: Are you sure Ben would be here?

Koala: Remember, this is Ben the drunkard who burns down orphanages… remember when he last came home drunk?

Pharon: My chassis is still charred.
The two walk into the bar, the roaring crowd suddenly falls silent.

Pharon: Barkeep! Two of your finest beers!

Barkeep: You’re 18 eh?

Koala: No. But we’re American so give us the beer.

Barkeep: Eh? They’ll take my liquor license for this but what the hey eh? (Slides a couple of beers)

Koala: Thank you.

(The two brother take a chug and then… they spit it out)

Pharon: Cripes! What is this crap?!

Patron: Crap? Crap?! That’s th’ pride of Nova Scotia!

(Koala and Pharon turn their heads and see it’s the Alexander Keith’s Spokesman)

Scotsman: Alexander Keith toiled for that brew, worked till his knuckles bled. So yu bleedin’ yanks better give the brew the respect it deserves!

Koala: Hey butt out you raving lunatic!

Pharon: Yeah, or we’ll kick your butt!

Scotsman: Ha! Ya’ talk big but Ah’ll kick your pansay asses! (Cracks knuckles)

Pharon: I’ll blow you away with my air shooter! (Fires up a fierce whirlwind that blows the Scotsman’s kilt up)

Koala and Pharon: 0_0 (Cover eyes and cringe)

Pharon: I did… not need to see that. >_<

Scotsman: What sa matter boys? Feelin’ inadequate?

Koala: Standards and practices will have our hides for this…

Scotsman: (Cracks knuckles) Oh ho ho, they’ve seen nothing yet laddies!

(The screen goes black and Starnik rushes in)

Starnik: Because of broadcast standards and practices, you the viewers won’t be able to see them getting the tar kicked out of them. However you can hear them scream like sissies; so without further adieu…

*KRUNCH!*

Koala: AIEEEEEEEEEEE!

Patron 1: Whoa I never knew a body could be contorted in such a fashion!

*SQIIIIIIICH!*

Pharon: Not my capillaries!

Scotsman: Laddy do you know what your capillaries are?

Pharon: Well no but… *SNAP!* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Patron 2: That’s got to hurt…!

Patron 1: Raving Scotsman! Behind you!

Scotsman: Came back for more eh?

*SMACK!*
*BAP!*
*POW!*
*CRASH!*
*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…*
*BOOM!*

Koala: EEEEEEE! Put it out! Put it out!

Scotsman: You look parched! How about a cold one?

*FLOOM!*

Koala: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*THUD*

(The image returns to see Koala unconscious and on fire and Pharon also unconscious with nicks and cracks in his armor and spilling lubricant all over the hardwood floors.)
Scotsman: Ha! Now who’s crap?!

Narrator: Oh no! Quick Man and Bubble Man still haven’t found their ally! The mighty Koala Brothers have fallen to drunk and raving Scotsman! What about the other teams? Will Ben ever be found? Stay tuned for the second part of the Warriors’ adventure in “Great White North!”

...

...

Narrator: Now that it's over let's see what else is on... *CLICK!*

Steve Irwin: So if ya grip 'im like this... *CHOMP!* Crickey! Croc's got me ahm!

Murray: *snickers*

TO BE CONTINUED!