Wilys Warriors - Episode 8 - Pants on Fire

by Heat Man

Narrator: In the hall of justice (or Heat's Man's warehouse/steel mill. Sorry; force of habit)  Our loveable atom bomb-on-wheels sifts through his e-mail.

Heat: Da da dah! E-mail! Let's see what I have today. *Sifts through it* Er… a cease and desist order from Homestar Runner . I'll just ignore that. Ah there's the fan mail.

E-mail: Hey Heat Man, with how much Starnik ribs you for everything do you ever get revenge on him? I think you should pull out another gadget and blast him to pieces!

&endash;Crazy J

Heat: *Cracks knuckles and types*

Crazy J:

After the "Dr. Phil" incident  I am not inclined to resolve my problems with Starnik using violence (with the other members on the other hand I will beat the stuffing out of them.) Instead I have devoted a day each month to make his life extremely difficult in fact today's the day to just do that…

Heat: Oh crap, I forgot about today! *Clicks "Send" and heads for the warehouse on an Anti-Grav Platform*

Narrator: As Ben  searches high and low through the warehouse he stops at "J" Block and finds the perfect weapon.

Heat: Yes yes yes! MWHAHAHAHA!

Narrator: And so at Bubble Man's undersea base.

Murray: *Growls* *Bites the Narrators head off*

Narrator: Blark!

Bubble: You want me to help you do what?!

Heat: I want you to help me make Starnik's life a living hell today?

Bubble: I dunno, what did you have in mind?

Heat: Utilizing this reprogramming ray, it will alter Starnik's brain functions so he will indeed be incapable of lying for about 5 minutes. Have any juicy tidbits that would prove to be rather scandalous?

Bubble: Not really, I think he's running errands right now.

Heat: Good, I happen to know he dislikes almost everyone in town so this can work to my advantage. Wanna come?

Bubble: Seeing how I check my e-mail and Murray ate the narrator. I have nothing better to do.

Narrator 2: Ahem! So Ben and ShadowBlade went out to town to bedevil Starnik. Pointy, Crash and Toasta at that moment were trapped.

*In the middle of New Mexico*

Pointy: What makes me think that Ben sent us of a hunt for the Dragon Balls so he could get us out of the way?

Crash: I dunno but I do know I want that wish.

Toasta: Hey I'm getting that wish!

Pointy: Not if I have anything to say about it. *Tackles Toasta*

Crash: *Looks at the two fighting and sighes* This is going to be a long hunt… *Walks into the desert*

Narrator 2: Then there's the business with the Marsupial Brothers…

Koala: I tell you we're rich! Once we retrieve the treasure of Iamos Anidiotis we're be rich! Richer than ShadowBlade I tells yeah.

Pharon: Are you sure there's treasure anywhere around here?

Koala: Positive, Ben gave us the map why shouldn't we trust him.

Pharon: You have 4 hours?

*Camera pans out to a sign reading "Danger! Mine Field!"*

*And so at the Butcher Shop…*

ShadowBlade: He said he wanted to get some meat for the BBQ we're having at HQ.

Heat: I thought he hated this place.

ShadowBlade: You blew up all the grocery stores in the area remember?

Heat: Oh yeah, cheap bastards don't have smarties!

ShadowBlade: What are Smarties?

Heat: I'll tell you later… *Points the gun through the window*

*Inside*

Butcher: 'Ere's our finest cut…

Starnik: Good good *ZAP!* because I thought the health department closed this place down… *gasp*

Butcher: 'Cuse me?

Starnik: Well come on! Most everyone knows you get your meat from the pound… ACK!

Butcher: *Growls*

Starnik: I'm sorry… BUT THE TRUTH HURTS! *Covers mouth*

Butcher: I'm gonna kill ya! *Throws cleaver at Starnik*

Starnik: *Ducks* YIPE! *Runs out of the shop at super speed*

Heat: *Laughs like a maniac* Did you see that?!

ShadowBlade: >.> That guy was rather testy…

Heat: Come on! Where's he going to next?

ShadowBlade: Uh, he's going to the bank… but we'll never catch up to him.

Heat: Why ahead of ya' got an agent on the case. Let's go! *Grabs ShadowBlade and runs for the bank*

*And so at the bank*

Starnik: *Stops in the foyer* Whew! I was sure that guy was about to kill me!

DING!

Starnik: Crud! *Runs for the elevator and makes it inside thanks to the timely intervention of a teller* Thanks.

Teller: You're welcome, Hey you're on Wilys Warriors!

Starnik: Yeah, I'm Starnik AKA Quick Man. I don't think I've seen you here before.

Teller: I'm Veronica, I was hired last week. Everyone here is so nice to me…

*ZAP!*

Starnik: That's because you have big melons.

Veronica: Beg your pardon?

Starnik: Well… Look at them they're huge I would just like too…

*A few second later on the 33rd floor*

DING!

Veronica: *Walks out, marching out indignantly* HRMPH!

Starnik: *Walks out dazed and rubbing an imprint of a hand on his face* Oy vey! What's wrong with me today? *Walks to the president's office*

*In the elevator, a figure resumes his normal colors*

Pyro: *Snickers* All too easy Starnik… what till what Ben has in store with you.

Starnik: *Approaches the secretary* Hey, I'm Starnik and I'm here to see Mr. Warbucks we had an appointment for 2:10.

Secretary: He's running a little late… it seems like someone make a deposit with counterfeit bills. So you'll have to wait a few minutes if you don't mind

Starnik: Yeah, sure. *Takes a seat* (Gauntlet when will you ever learn?)

Narrator 2: As Starnik waits in the lobby outside Mr. Warbucks' office, Ben and Shadow well just Ben has other sinister plans for the sultan of speed so they pose as window washers and hang outside Mr. Warbucks' office.

ShadowBlade: Will you please reconsider Ben? If Starnik screws this up; it'll be curtains for us.

Heat: Oh ho ho! For so long he's made fun of me and my… my… canadian-ness he must pay.

ShadowBlade: Oy!

Heat: This time I recalibrated it so he'll lose all self control out and make a fool of himself.

ShadowBlade: *Sigh*

Narrator 2: And so inside…

Secretary: Mr. Starnik? Mr. Warbucks will see you now.

*Starnik walks in, Ben points the gun at Starnik and…*

*ZAP!*

Starnik: Hey! Uncle Penny Bags! How is your hotel on Baltic Avenue going?

Mr. Warbucks: Well it's going rather… Hey! I don't own a hotel on that street! You will show me respect…!

Starnik: What's the matter? Lost your "Get out jail free card"

Mr. Warbucks: If you want to keep your house you better stop this tomfoolery NOW!

Starnik: Looks like someone won't pass "Go" and won't collect $200.

Mr. Warbucks: That's it! Unless you come up with the money within 24 hours I will foreclose on your mortgage.

Starnik: *Effect wears off* Wha? Wait! There's no way we can make that kind of cash in that much time!

Mr. Warbucks: You should've thought of that before you insulted me.

Starnik: No I was… *Sees Ben in the window* …I was…

Heat: Oh fudruckers! *Throws the gun to ShadowBlade*

ShadowBlade: Hey!

Mr. Warbucks: …you were?

Starnik: About to kill him! *Leaps and grabs Ben shattering the window*

*Ben and Starnik plummet to the ground*

Heat: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Narrator 2: On street level…

Alien Wily: This bank is full of greenbacks to plunder. You know the plan right?

Guts Dozer: Guts know plan!

Dragon: Say boss? What happened to the cash we stole last week?

Guts Dozer: Alien Wily go to Vegas.

Alien Wily: Silence you dimwitted… *Starnik and Ben land on him * *CRUNCH!* ARGH!!!

Starnik: You crazy little canucklehead! You got us kicked out of our…

Dragon: Ahem!

Starnik: *Looks up* Oh hey! Dragon. How are you doing?

Heat: *Still has Starnik's hand around his throat* ACK!

Dragon: Can't complain, the boss just blew all our hard-stolen…

Alien Wily: Quit conversing with these dolts and SEIZE THEM!

Guts Dozer: *Grabs Starnik and Ben* Krush Warriors!

Heat: Let go of me you dumb ape!

Alien Wily: *CRACK!* Ow that'll need therapy… Guts Dozer! Destroy them now!

*Guts Dozer hesitates*

Alien Wily: I said destroy them!

Dragon: What's his problem?

Guts Dozer: Guts want to be little boy…

Alien Wily and Dragon: … *Laugh out loud*

Dragon: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!!!

Guts Dozer: *Sniffles* RARGH! *Lets go of Starnik and Ben* Guts don't like being made fun of! Guts destroy Alien Wily and Lizard Breath!

Alien Wily: Fornicating Feces! Retreat!

Dragon: Can't argue with you boss. *Flies off with Alien Wily following*

Starnik: *Pants* Oy! What happened?

ShadowBlade: I used Ben's 'Truth-Ray' to bring out Guts more 'interesting' aspects.

Heat: Then it's lucky I passed the truth ray to you.

ShadowBlade: And don't forget it! ^_^

Starnik: Let's go home to pack up. *Sigh* Thanks to you Ben we have to vacate our house

Narrator 2: Back at the house, a tired trio of heroes lay down from their latest adventure.

Pointy: All that exploration in that forsaken desert and no bloody Dragon Balls.

Crash: You know, maybe Ben sent us on a wild goose chase?

Toasta: Why would he do that?

Pointy: A-Doy! It was a distraction!

Toasta: Son of a…

*Door opens*

Crash: Starnik! Why the long face?

Starnik: Thanks to Ben we're homeless now!

Heat: Oh yeah blame it all on the Zippo!

Crash: Ben! How could you?

Starnik: We have a day to clear the premises…

???: Not so fast! Looks like a job for…

Heat: Oh Claude no…

Koala and Pharon: The Marsupial Brothers!

Koala: Thanks to Ben we found the treasure in the minefield…

Pharon: Gold, Silver, Diamonds, Rubies and Sapphires! *Hauls in a chest and opens a chest*

*The Warriors stare at it*

Heat: You found treasure?

Koala and Pharon: *Nod*

Starnik: There's enough to pay of Mr. Warbucks…

Crash: …and then some!

Heat: YOU FOUND TREASURE?!

Toasta: Looks like a happy ending after all…

Heat: I don't believe this! *Walks out the door*

ShadowBlade: Ben! Where are you going?

Heat: To get a hard drink. X-X

Toasta, Crash, Pointy, Koala, Pharon, Starnik: *Sing* Money money money…. MONEY!

END

…

Starnik: Oh and I'm not a pervert like in that elevator! Ben got drunk while making this epilouge and…

ShadowBlade: Starnik! Ben escaped from the drunk tank!

Starnik: What?! 0_0

Crash: Oh my god he got gun closet!

Starnik: We have a…?

*BANG!*

ShadowBlade: Let's get out of here!

The End... Again!